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Triathlon and relationships


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Who is the ideal partner?

Someone who shares your passion, can train together,  and gets a little stiffie just like you talking about Strava and Di2?

Or is it a yin and yang thing - a partner who can pull your head out of your arse and back into a balanced and less self absorbed worldview?

Of course relationships don't have a mathematical formula - and where we find ourselves in this moment today is largely because of our personalities. I wonder whether people doing triathlons have a disproportionate divorce rate, or the opposite. 

I'm married with 5 kids. Did a few Ironman races but was always a bit repulsed by the energy some people put into that lifestyle at the expense of family. I'm not being binary in saying that as plenty of families embrace Ironman and in some instances it saves people from addictions or obesity and gives purpose - however, I've seen a few leave their family for training partners.  The last 20 plus years I've not trained more than 10 hours a week, all when the family is sleeping or at the pool with me. Only race when its not a burden on the family with sport etc. I can get full on before bigger races and have been clipped by the wife more than once - but haven't focused on a bigger race for a few years now.

My swim squad used to revolve around a club and dozens of guys were Ironman centric. Walk and talk it all day. Not one of them come to the pool anymore. I suppose that's a good thing because they are spending more time at home.

Interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

 

Edited by Coach@triathlon
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She shows absolutely no interested in triathlon, which is good for us.  She’s supportive when I train and race.  And would  prefer I stay in the sport as it keeps me Motivated.  
 

been married for 17 years and have 2 kids 11 & 8.  Don’t think she’ll leave me due to my interest in triathlon.  She’s more likely to leave for any other reason if she chose to.
 

shame I can’t keep myself motivated.  

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For my wife & myself it's a Yin & Yang thing,  she has no interest in exercise at all and she definitely helps keep me grounded.  

We had four kids (all grown up & left home now) and I have no idea how I used to fit training in around family life.

Even now, when I'm really not doing much training at all, there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done.

If ever something happened to my wife, and we weren't still together, I'm fairly confident that any future partner (if anyone would take me) they would have to share my passion for the sport, or at least one or two disciplines of it.  Although my wife is really supportive and full of encouragement for me to go out and train, I still feel really guilty when I actually walk out the door.

The only real benefit for her is that I'm probably a nicer person to be around once I've had my regular dose of exercise, plus the fact that the racing aspect of it has taken us to some amazing places around the world.  Life's been pretty good to us both so far!

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Call me selfish but I'm thankful that my wife doesn't do the sport (I did con her into doing a half marathon many years ago) but she is very supportive and been to most of my races. And occasionally she doesn't mind the tri talk and the goss on some of the pros. We both work full time and have a 5 year old son and although my training has reduced since he was born, I still train consistently almost every day mostly in the mornings. If she were to be doing triathlons as well, I'd imagine it would be a lot more challenging fitting in my training as well as hers.

My sister and her husband both do triathlons and after baby no. 2, I can't see her returning to her pre parenthood training anytime soon.

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For Stikman and I, I think it works that we both are in the sport, and not just as athletes and coach (Stikman), but heavily involved in leadership positions in the club and TWA board (Stikman, not me). It is a big part of both our lives.

I recall though one of the exes many reasons excuses justifications for him having an affair was that I was spending too much away from him training. Even though he was rarely awake when I got home mid-morning on long ride day. :rolleyes:

Like anything in a relationship, I think it is a matter for negotiation if there are going to be dramatic changes to the status quo for whatever reason.

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My ex was not really in the sport (he did it because of me, and was out not long after he left) apparently did not like the people, although those motorsport people he seemed to hang circulate with had annoying single focus and sometimes elitist personalities as well. 🤣

My +1 was not in the sport prior to meeting me. Poor thing was introduced to it when we were talking on Tinder and he asked me why I was up so early (he was awake after injuring himself at indoor soccer and in pain), I said I was doing a long bike set on the trainer getting ready for 70.3 Port Mac 🤣 he's been around for another 70.3, a husky, countless Olys (as well as the AG team selection), and is now on his 2nd go at support while I train for Ironman. For the next few months he will take the load of the housework while I train, once it's over, it will go back to shared. He also comes out and gives the enticers a crack and is trying to get a bit fitter, joins me on his trainer when I do long sets and will come for a swim.

I'm also not 1-dimensional, I'm involved in the operations of the club, trying to get more women and beginners into the sport. Outside of sport I also enjoy my craft beers, craft spirits and whiskies, so we balance my training with time at the bar enjoying a tipple or two. We also are member owners of a brewery (Hopsters in Enmore).

Its about balance, and working with a coach who understands the balance needed.

 

Edited by MissJess
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38 minutes ago, Nick777 said:

Most relationships can only handle one self absorbed narcissist.

And if you think your relationship doesn't have one, it's you!

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21 minutes ago, Callum Dalgleish McGregor said:

 

If you are miserable, get out. You only get one go at life, and you can always find someone else. 

 

 

If I end up single, I wouldn’t ever date or even casually see someone I reckon.   I’m more than happy by myself, I’d buy a block of land in exmouth, put a shed on it, buy a caravan and on my days off go there, go fishing and just be by myself til I die.   May seem a lonely life, but that’s what I’d want if I were single in the future. 

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My wife never really liked it, and I'm not sure she's ever seen me race.  When training as I'd like to, I'm always tired, falling asleep early, or going to bed early.  Her body clock is out of whack (like the rest of her) so will go to bed at 2am.  It bugs me because I don't like her sitting out here by herself for hours, but we each have to have our things.  It was less of an issue in the past, but new meds mean I'm falling asleep earlier, and struggling to wake.  I think it doesn't help that she is pretty much house bound, so this is pretty much her whole world.  But that is really never gonna change.

It is one of the reasons I've never done an Ironman, and never really trained properly for any half'ish race I've done.  

Edited by goughy
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8 hours ago, KieranR said:

If I end up single, I wouldn’t ever date or even casually see someone I reckon.   I’m more than happy by myself, I’d buy a block of land in exmouth, put a shed on it, buy a caravan and on my days off go there, go fishing and just be by myself til I die.   May seem a lonely life, but that’s what I’d want if I were single in the future. 

Mate & I said we'd both do the same if we ended up single last time we were out in his boat fishing.

Mind you, his wife is seriously hard work - pushes the poor bastard to the limit with work & the need to earn.  Our kids are gone and now that the financial pressure is off, we've worked out that we don't have that many years left, working your arse off is stupid, it's all about experiences & memories now.  My mate has worked that out too, but not his wife. 

And I'm just not really a people person, all my hobbies/interests are basically solo pursuits. Could easily live alone.

My wife does 'duathlon' as she hates swimming & we do a fair bit of cycling together & running when I can (not often these days).  She's never begrudged the training, and was heavily into athletics before injury stopped that, so she gets it.  Never begrudges my all-day fishing jaunts either.  Does begrudge my intense swearing when I'm building a model @ the kitchen table and things are not going to plan however. Biggest problem is her cycling has improved to the point I struggle to keep up, esp. since I got her a 2nd hand P3  :cry:.  We both kept up our training during the kid and financial struggle years.

Regarding Jabbs post, I've watched my 42yo boss get divorced & do the online dating thing - what an eye opener.  So many 40-50yo women out there looking for a good time, including married ones.

Then there is my wife's friend (female, 50, professional high achiever, relationship complete numpty). Absolutely desperate to find a 'good' bloke, but loves the 'bad boys', exudes sex, constantly talks sex and always picks complete losers who (surprise, surprise), only want sex.... & her $'s.  That has been an even bigger eye opener.  She's good fun but sheesh......the desperation is palpable.

 

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7 minutes ago, Callum Dalgleish McGregor said:

If nothing else Ive had lots of them...... :( 

And dont even ask me for my 'number' I dont know either. 

At least you have changed my mood for the better today.  I rolled into work after a sh1t nights sleep, gave my new supervisor what I would call a Jabberesque dose of truth, grabbed a car and left.  Opened this thread in the carpark and have been laughing my tits off since.  Feel superb now. Thanks.

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3 minutes ago, Callum Dalgleish McGregor said:

Maybe Ill start nega coach marriage counselling services. :(

Kinda reminds of the old sporting saying, "Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach".    Besides if I start running around in a brand new truck with 5 new bikes, my nett worth will more than halve instantly 😂😂😂  Not to mention Im actually kinda fond of mine.

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7 minutes ago, Callum Dalgleish McGregor said:

Maybe Ill start nega coach marriage counselling services. :(

I think the general point of marriage counseling is to maintain the marriage, so, no, I don't think it's for you! 

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1 hour ago, Callum Dalgleish McGregor said:

I do wonder though about people that married basically the first person they shagged?

Oh yeah, that one blows my mind.  Currently watching good friends who did that go down the gurgler.  Blokes are really stupid with this when young. They can't believe this gorgeous creature is letting them have sex and think it is love & that it will stay like that forvever (I think pussy-struck is the technical term 😉).

And people who get divorced and instantly have to jump into another marriage - even dumber.

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5 hours ago, Callum Dalgleish McGregor said:

Dogs are the best people usually.... 

Agree :)

For me life is all about balance & being happy.  

Like any relationship my wife & I have our ups & downs but over time we have learnt to manage them. 

The closest we have come to breaking up was when I was doing my first few Ironman races and training with a club. I was always talking about training or racing etc..... 

My wife loves the fact I did Ironman racing, we travelled and I did some amazing races in great locations but we had even better family holidays. 

They didn't care if I went 10:59 or 11:59 as long as I was safe & enjoyed myself.

My wife by nature likes to provide & help others. So why I was out training she would be booking the flights, accommodation and looking for things to do etc. It was like a mini project for her.  

We share finances (she works at the bank) tbh I have no idea what is going on with my money. We both get $500 a fortnight to spend on crap. The rest goes into the house budget.  We no longer fight about money & who spends the most. 

You want $600 cycling shoes???/ sure grab it out ya spending money........ 

 

Now I have retired from Ironman racing and my daughter is rapidly growing up we are doing more & more stuff as a couple to ensure we don't drift apart and take each other for granted. 

Little things like going to the NBL Basketball & getting tickets to the tennis, trying new restaurants  etc. Things we haven't done in the past. 

We also do things on our own. I did a trip to France in 2019 to ride bikes with mates & did the same a couple of weeks ago when I went to Ballarat for the Nationals. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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17 hours ago, Naut said:

And if you think your relationship doesn't have one, it's you!

Ha...! Just like most families & 'the odd person we don't talk about'!

Thankfully my family has/had at least two people that could definitely be described as 'eccentric', so hopefully I am safe...

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I think it is important in a marriage/partnership for a high degree of empathy and understanding in the other's activities.  My wife and I met in our early 20's when we were both in the Air Force and later this year we celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary .  At the time we met she was not permitted to fraternise with me as I was a commissioned officer and she was not.  Consequently, she had to resign for us to be permitted to marry.  Times have changed.

However, her experience of military life meant she understood the exigencies of the service as I dragged her and my growing family from base to base over a 33 year career.

Similarly with triathlon -  I began my involvement in the sport in the early 1980's and by 1989 she was also doing them as she got bored watching me and thought - I can do this too.  An accident falling off a ladder put a stop to her triathlon career in 2001 but she fully understood the need for my training regime.  She continued swimming although she is technically a  paraplegic and can walk with the aid of a stick.  We swim together three times per week  and she does an extra session on the weekend.  I attribute her current training mentality with her previously established fitness regime from when she was doing triathlons.

Retirement at age 60 allowed me the time to train for longer triathlons and I did two ironman races in my early 60's before dropping back to HIMs .  Even HIMs eventually proved debilitating for my chronic knee problem and I stopped running altogether in 2016.  You don't fully appreciate what you have until you lose it.  However, a four year break from running allowed something to heal in my knee despite surgeons telling me I would not run again.  I am now most grateful to be able to line up for another go around at Mooloolaba next month.

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55 minutes ago, Jon said:

However, a four year break from running allowed something to heal in my knee despite surgeons telling me I would not run again.

Oh I love reading that 👍

7-8 yrs for me, now my knees are pretty much back to 100% after hearing so much frog-shit.

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6 hours ago, ComfortablyNumb said:

Oh I love reading that 👍

7-8 yrs for me, now my knees are pretty much back to 100% after hearing so much frog-shit.

But you keep saying you can't run much these days, so how is it back to 100%?   

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9 hours ago, FatPom said:

But you keep saying you can't run much these days, so how is it back to 100%?   

Pelvic/abdominal and calf injuries.  The knees can handle running again.

I know you think I'm too hard on the medical 'experts' - but mostly they were lazy & shit.  My local orthopedic surgeon (who many of the locals say they won't go near, but that's the small town rumour mill in action) gave me the best advice - "do not have any surgery for this".  The big city experts all had tunnel vision and short attention spans.

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40 minutes ago, ComfortablyNumb said:

Pelvic/abdominal and calf injuries.  The knees can handle running again.

I know you think I'm too hard on the medical 'experts' - but mostly they were lazy & shit.  My local orthopedic surgeon (who many of the locals say they won't go near, but that's the small town rumour mill in action) gave me the best advice - "do not have any surgery for this".  The big city experts all had tunnel vision and short attention spans.

Ah gotcha, I thought it was your knees that were holding you back.  I get hip pain now and then (not back related), it seems quite random, rarely run induced, 'seems' to be turbo but on the same bike, same position that has worked for years.  Then it will go almost as quickly as it came and it will ok for months.

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I’ll make the observation that some pundits may not appreciate just how accommodating their spouse is (eg “Bye [insert affectionate name for spouse]. I’m off for my 6 hour long ride, with 1 hour run tagged on. Have fun with [insert 5 year old name, 3 year old name and 1 year old name, who have been waking up during the night and are awake from 5:XX am]!”)...

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At the IM Australia first timers induction session with Jason Shortis, he said something along the lines of "triathlon/IM has seen me through 3 divorces"... I am personally wary of a statement like that. 

I can only imagine that if half the amount of effort spent on long course racing was invested into a relationship... It'd be much better for it.

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12 minutes ago, xblane said:

At the IM Australia first timers induction session with Jason Shortis, he said something along the lines of "triathlon/IM has seen me through 3 divorces"... I am personally wary of a statement like that. 

I can only imagine that if half the amount of effort spent on long course racing was invested into a relationship... It'd be much better for it.

If I’m not mistaken, Shortis was a professional? (ie in his case, isn’t time spent training the equivalent of doing a 9 to 5?)

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24 minutes ago, BogFrog said:

A lot of the comments on this thread (many from Jabs) have disturbed me since I started reading this yesterday.  They show a disrespect towards people, mainly women. 

Yes they do, but the place let it all go ages ago, sexism, racism, transitions as a community sadly seems to approve.

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10 minutes ago, BarryBevan said:

Yes they do, but the place let it all go ages ago, sexism, racism, transitions as a community sadly seems to approve.

I don't believe that most people believe this, or think it's ok. People just don't call people out on it. We need to keep calling people out on these comments and behaviour or it escalates.  The more of these comments that are out there, the more these people think it is acceptable.

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15 minutes ago, BogFrog said:

I don't believe that most people believe this, or think it's ok. People just don't call people out on it. We need to keep calling people out on these comments and behaviour or it escalates.  The more of these comments that are out there, the more these people think it is acceptable.

Sure, the community is not that as a whole, there is a continual trend of it, read the settled invaded thread, the one on aussie politics wrt to the liberal staffer.

Treatment of people such as the Customer.

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1 hour ago, BarryBevan said:

Yes they do, but the place let it all go ages ago, sexism, racism, transitions as a community sadly seems to approve.

White Knight to the rescue... FFS I would hate to live in your outrage at everything, no sense of humour, devoid of reality, bitter and twisted world... 

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1 hour ago, BogFrog said:

A lot of the comments on this thread (many from Jabs) have disturbed me since I started reading this yesterday.  They show a disrespect towards people, mainly women. 

Humour is funny if it draws parallels on reality. If you can't admit there are quite a few women out there that marry for money then you are liar. 

I know... a multi millionaire fosil with some pretty young thing by his side is rare... But it does happen... 

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18 minutes ago, more said:

White Knight to the rescue... FFS I would hate to live in your outrage at everything, no sense of humour, devoid of reality, bitter and twisted world... 

I would hate to live in your outrage at everything, no sense of humour, devoid of reality, bitter and twisted world... 

Sounds like exactly where you are

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2 minutes ago, BarryBevan said:

I would hate to live in your outrage at everything, no sense of humour, devoid of reality, bitter and twisted world... 

Sounds like exactly where you are

I can tell the type of person you are and you like most of the moral outrage brigade are fake, dishonest 

 

1 minute ago, BogFrog said:

I said there were a lot of comments. Not just that awful "joke". Although those terrible "jokes" perpetuate old and terrible stereotypes- like men are only after one thing and want trophy wives etc. I haven't experienced either of these. 

Stereotypes that are firmly based on reality. There are many men who marry based purely on looks and many women who marry purely on money. 

It is what it is and always will be. Fighting the good fight on a triathlon forum won't change 500, 000 years of human behaviour lol

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