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Mental Health  

313 members have voted

  1. 1. Do you suffer from a mental illness?

    • Yes
      101
    • No
      175
    • Maybe - yet to see a doctor about it
      39
  2. 2. Do you know someone who suffers a mental illness

    • Yes
      254
    • No
      33
    • Don't know but suspect they do
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Guest Jim Shortz
7 hours ago, Katz said:

I found, as so many others have also, when I was depressed and suicidal, I pushed everyone away. I treated some people badly. I treated others with neglect. I simply disappeared out of some people's lives without a word.

What I found when it came time that I could let people back into my life was, some people I didn't want back. Others I did and they accepted me back without hesitation. Others, those I either treated badly, or hurt when I just walked away without any explanation, needed an apology from me. They needed me to acknowledge that what I did, whether intentional or not, hurt them. It wasn't good enough to simply ignore what I had done and expect others to ignore it also and pick up where we left off. For most, a simply apology and acknowledgement was enough. For others, nothing was enough and it breaks my heart, but that was the unfortunate outcome.

I had to do the right thing though and let others decide whether that would be enough for them to let me back into their lives. 

Wise words. 

Thanks for sharing Katz 👍

 

More often than not I just let the uncomfortableness go and those with I have hurt etc. Actually that's my only play in my play book. 

43 Yrs later, two friends from primary school, a mate in Melbourne and J are all I have. It's not OK. It hurts so bad at times. But until I get to a place where I can do what you describe above, it's how I'll be. 

 

And Trannies is a complex environment for me. I'll eternally feel like a charity case.* Which is impossible to fully explain. 

 

So for the time being, I'll just tick away and gather the mind to tackle that. 

 

Thank you again ✌️

 

ETA - Just reread your post. I'm not that brave, yet. And I'm not sure if it was sent my way but it definitely resonated with me. 

 

 

*doesn't mean that I am ungrateful. 

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Touching base as a bit on the angry side. Dad had a stroke last week. He is Sunshine Coast, me Cairns. Some issues with expressive speech and balance. These have resolved a little. I flew down yesterday to get him settled in rehab with the aim of home next week. While I was out paying his bills, he refused a bed. He says he can't remember saying no. Please don't think what I am saying is harsh....I need to vent. I started at 5am yesterday to fly and got back to hotel at 7pm after 2 x hospital trips and running around four suburbs to pay his bills (me paying). He had money in his wallet but that was for his marijuana. I had a massive migrane and nausea. So was tired. His whole life has been habitually lying. His unit was woeful (being really nice). I have located a cleaner to help tomorrow clean piles of ash, hoarded papers and plastic bags, clothes a pile of towels smelling of urine. He has home help 1 x fn. Not sure what they do to be honest. He has no medical alarm. He can't manage meds or incontinence that well. Staff at the hospital keep changing and keep saying they are busy (I get that...really I do). No body mentioned that he can't drive until I asked to head consultant. He will just go home a drive. My sister and I seldom see eye to eye. Yesterday we did. I am at l loss. Today. Meeting social worker and then to his house to start to sorting. I worked in allied health previously so know how systems work. There is no patient centeredness as they are so over worked. But some diabolical will happen if he is left to his own devices at home. Sigh. 

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Oh Skel, I am so sorry. Vent, vent, vent. Get it out here so you can be calm when dealing with the system and your Dad. Massive hugs to you. xx

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Morning. Calmer today.....lol. Had a talk with him yesterday about getting everytsorted and that he couldn't live in a house like that. I spent 4 hrs in his house yesterday. At least it is a start. Needed a mask so  I didnt get high....lol. Cleaner in today at 10am. 18 garbage bags so far.  Disharge likely Friday. Assessment tomorrow with discharge and community health team. A happy place to begin the day. Marcoola Beach. Not a bad beach.....no crocs here.🤣 Thanks all.

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Okay....maybe not so calm after 9 hours cleaning. Lol. Feel like I've done an ironman. And had 5 hrs of cleaning help. Not quite done. Kitchem is still.....well....yep. But overall, more livable. Didnt get to hospital....was an incident which led to broken window. Had to get it repaired (emergency repairs are not cheap!!!). Dad was unhappy I didn't get there. He doesn't know about the window....yet. Anyway....tomorrow is another date. Discharge planning meeting. 

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Hi Skel, I’ve read your post and see some similarities that I went through with my brother. He was a smoker and drinker and lived alone for years in a rental flat which was disgusting with plastic bags full of cigarette butts, empties and mould.

It gets very complicated and too long to tell it all, but about 4 years ago he had a stroke and ended up in hospital where he was diagnosed as an alcoholic and having end stage liver disease and given months to live. He is still alive and now resides in a nursing home.

Luckily I was able to get access to his flat at he time and retrieve some legal documents which allowed me to get Power of Attorney and Enduring Guardianship and after 18 months of dealing with Centrelink (that’s a whole new thread) was able to get him a part pension. 

If you can, try and work with your sister and share the workload. I hear so many times where one member of a family gets burdened with all the hard work and stress.

Now, I have to be a support of my wife, who’s mother has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given who knows how long to live. 

Hang in there.

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On 26/10/2020 at 7:15 PM, Jim Shortz said:

Wise words. 

Thanks for sharing Katz 👍

 

More often than not I just let the uncomfortableness go and those with I have hurt etc. Actually that's my only play in my play book. 

43 Yrs later, two friends from primary school, a mate in Melbourne and J are all I have. It's not OK. It hurts so bad at times. But until I get to a place where I can do what you describe above, it's how I'll be. 

 

And Trannies is a complex environment for me. I'll eternally feel like a charity case.* Which is impossible to fully explain. 

 

So for the time being, I'll just tick away and gather the mind to tackle that. 

 

Thank you again ✌️

 

ETA - Just reread your post. I'm not that brave, yet. And I'm not sure if it was sent my way but it definitely resonated with me. 

 

 

*doesn't mean that I am ungrateful. 

JS, just read your post. I can relate to this and the loss of friendships, its a steady process for me as friends have moved to other parts of Australia and the world and effectively dropped out of my life. It's tough to establish new friendships, while triathlon helps it's hard to build a deeper relationship than just a training buddy but I find it takes time. Often it's a case of finding the right group of people, often those in a somewhat similiar situation to you if you can. Try and have confidence that it will happen and consider that other people's lives can be really busy so it's often easier to not form new friendships. Frustrating for us who are trying to build a relationship.

I am a long way from achieving my goal of building new deep friendships but it's starting to happen slowly. I actually believe there is a lot of us men in the 40+ age that experience this. Our lives have been around work, family and whatever training we can manage in our spare time. Activities and friendships are very much based around the sport and if you stop doing it or get injured it's tough to stay connected.

I've found that with triathlon there aren't many left in my club that I have much in common with, only a couple of people, so at present I'm exploring a new riding group and we'll see where that goes.

As for mental health, I had a major breakdown two years ago and went from being very confident to now suffering severe anxiety that results in me often being anxious and depersonalising almost constantly. It's a bugger as I spend most of my time watching myself from outside my body and struggling to feel grounded. It's a bit like watching yourself in a movie. Emotions are very difficult to feel and in some situations I find words coming out of my month that I hear but I'm not conscious of thinking about forming. It's quite traumatic. Í hide it well and most people aren't even aware of me going through an episode. Although during these episodes I'm often thinking if only they knew what was happening to me right now.

If you are on FB, check out this men's support group. You'll be surprised at how many of us have our demons.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/savingbrothers

 

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Guest Jim Shortz
7 hours ago, Evil Guru said:

JS, just read your post. I can relate to this and the loss of friendships, its a steady process for me as friends have moved to other parts of Australia and the world and effectively dropped out of my life. It's tough to establish new friendships, while triathlon helps it's hard to build a deeper relationship than just a training buddy but I find it takes time. Often it's a case of finding the right group of people, often those in a somewhat similiar situation to you if you can. Try and have confidence that it will happen and consider that other people's lives can be really busy so it's often easier to not form new friendships. Frustrating for us who are trying to build a relationship.

I am a long way from achieving my goal of building new deep friendships but it's starting to happen slowly. I actually believe there is a lot of us men in the 40+ age that experience this. Our lives have been around work, family and whatever training we can manage in our spare time. Activities and friendships are very much based around the sport and if you stop doing it or get injured it's tough to stay connected.

I've found that with triathlon there aren't many left in my club that I have much in common with, only a couple of people, so at present I'm exploring a new riding group and we'll see where that goes.

As for mental health, I had a major breakdown two years ago and went from being very confident to now suffering severe anxiety that results in me often being anxious and depersonalising almost constantly. It's a bugger as I spend most of my time watching myself from outside my body and struggling to feel grounded. It's a bit like watching yourself in a movie. Emotions are very difficult to feel and in some situations I find words coming out of my month that I hear but I'm not conscious of thinking about forming. It's quite traumatic. Í hide it well and most people aren't even aware of me going through an episode. Although during these episodes I'm often thinking if only they knew what was happening to me right now.

If you are on FB, check out this men's support group. You'll be surprised at how many of us have our demons.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/savingbrothers

 

So awesome of you, thanks. Really appreciate it. 😎✌️

 

The way you sound, post breakdown, is so relatable to me. I find that the damaging/protective behaviours are viewed as if I'm watching someone else. Damaging because I end up isolated, protective because I am scared of people. They are the same thing at the same time.

See my trauma was from my Mother. So trust is almost non existant for most of my relationships. Apart from J and Ivy, my Dad and his wife, my brother and sister and a few friends. 

 

What's ****ed with me for the past two years is that I trusted what I was told by someone, who I'd expressly told not to lie to me at any stage, and I believed them, but my gut feeling was right. It was Hardcore. A group of people made of good and bad and I had to trust them. It was exhausting. I don't tar them all with the same brush though, there are true saints among them. And it's unfortunate that they, because they cared, were the ones hurt/effected most. That's why I stepped out of Trannies. But I've returned(love it or lump it 😏😉✌️) because I really like the sport and the thought of a few good eggs getting me through the tough times is very special. And if I can return that I will. 

 

 

Take it easy mate. Not on Facebook anymore, I watched the Social Dilemma and freaked out 😂😂😂🤷🏻‍♂️👍

 

Thanks again 

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Ive moved house 37 times and moved countries 8 times and lived in multiple places within those countries.  I’m used to moving around, it’s the staying still that freaks me out.

But now we are somewhat anchored in the UK and probably will be in our house for at least  a couple more years.  I know a lot of people on Tri UK remotely and used to have a local riding group when we lived in town but I didn’t ride with them much.

It occurred to me the other day, that I don’t have a single friend here, outside of my family and my sister.  There is a guy that I used to work with I’d call a mate, he lives about 20km away and we ride now and then but contact is sporadic.

My position and Mrs FPs have completely reversed. In Oz I had loads of friends and she had very few and now, she has loads of Mum friends and I muddle around on my own.

Situation made even worse by changing jobs and being on boarded remotely.

I have discovered a small CC attached to my village, it has about 30 members and about 10 regulars. I’ve been riding with them about 6 times and they are the closest thing to local mates that I have.

Which is pretty sad I guess!

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Interesting comment around FPs friends and his missus. I agree entirely, and I'm very much in the same situation, lots of my wife's friends have been formed through a primarily female running group and women seem to share a lot more personal/day to day stuff with each other and I believe this helps build relationships.

I really think it's a sex thing and men are really crap communicators and most of our conversations are very superficial. I also believe that there are lots of men in exactly the same position as us. I'm starting to think that you can worry about it or just get on with things. I believe stay open to friendships and do what you can to cultivate them but don't beat yourself up to much if you don't have too many really close friends. Just ensure that you do spend time around others, whether this is a cycling group or any other group that you might be interested in. Men do best with a side to side relationship. By that I mean you typically won't go and sit at a cafe with a male friend simply to have a chat, women will do this. Your more likely to go for a ride or some other activity.

After 22 years of racing triathlon I'm probably done. Lots of people I know signing up for IM or 70.3 and I have absolutely no interest in doing them. I have just started mtbing and thinking that I wouldn't mind trying an off road tri but other than that I have little desire to do an on road triathlon. I am about 4 weeks out from doing an adventure race that will involve a 15 km run (done by the wife), then a 12km kayak, 40km road ride and a 4km run. I'm somewhat excited by this. I've also signed up for a 50km mtb race in Feb. So really exploring what I might like to do. Much of this creates a level of anxiety but I'm not about to let this stop me.

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4 minutes ago, Evil Guru said:

Interesting comment around FPs friends and his missus. I agree entirely, and I'm very much in the same situation, lots of my wife's friends have been formed through a primarily female running group and women seem to share a lot more personal/day to day stuff with each other and I believe this helps build relationships.

Yeah I am similar now I have stopped running and riding. 

Years ago my wife didnt really have too many friends and was work and family focused, now she has a group of friends she goes hiking, swimming and stuff with. I have lost contact with most of my friends through retiring from tris, the coaching group I trained with has also disbanded and a lot of others moved north so most of the familiar faces are gone and for those left, I no longer do the activities that brought us together. 

Now I take my son to the skate parks and a few of the dads are good for a chat, which I think is enough to get me by, its not all serious and in depth stuff, but I was never great at that anyway. 

Mens shed for me next! 

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Being introverted my friendship group has always been small and mostly related to the sport I am doing at the time. My wife was the extrovert so we did go out and catch up with her friends whom I got along well with and thought were also my friends... Only a few kept in touch after she died!  

Edit: last sentence initially read the opposite that most kept in touch. That wasn't the case. Right when I needed the most support they abandoned me. 

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I'm following an E mtb group down here in Melbourne. Recently there was a post about someone looking to ride with, there was about 30 responses with lots of guys looking for someone to ride with. I believe the problem may lie in that men don't often reach out to find company, thinking that other men are busy, have lots of friends and won't be interested,  not realising that so many of us are in a similiar position. 

Retiring from triathlon is hard, for so long each of our sessions been structured and it doesn't take much energy to simply chat to someone on a bike, run or swim, so perhaps we have got lazy in finding other opportunities to catch up.  It makes it hard when we stop attending these training sessions.

Roxxi when and why did you retire? 

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1 minute ago, Evil Guru said:

Roxxi when and why did you retire? 

I suppose officially about 18 months ago when I was told my hip was stuffed and I needed a new one and that replacement hips are not for running on. 

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I have mulled for a while as to whether this needs to be posted here or the Good news thread, as its kinda a mix of both but reading the last page or so regarding friendships has resonated a little.

Long story short - have had lots of issues with pain in my right leg for a long time, ie over a decade. I can remember spending multiple sessions down at Olympic Park Medical Centre trying to get to the bottom of it and MRI's and the like. They tried to tell me it was compartment syndrome but even I knew (with the help of Dr Google) that wasn't it.

Fast forward since 2009 and I have been to numerous experts to treat this ongoing pain - myotherapy, physiotherapy, Chiropractor, podiatrists, and have had manipulation, massage, dry needling, cupping, you name it. All with next to no success, or at best temporary relief. Pain can vary but at best is a constant dull ache. At worst it can keep me awake for nights.  Running always made it worse. Riding used to be ok until mid last year when I was out on my own and my right hip locked up / loss of power and I have struggled to be able to do anything without exacerbating the pain since then.

So, now I find myself fat, unfit, unmotivated and recently realised I have been withdrawing from everyone except my wife. I think this has been a conscious decision to be honest.

The good news of all of this is that I found a Chiropractor a few months ago who took one look at me and went "yep, the problem is your feet". A heaps of sessions later, x-rays, MRI, New orthodics (proper orthodic shoes, not just slip in inserts), and for the last 2 weeks a back brace to stabilise the issue and I am starting to come good.........slowly.

Will drag out my diagnosis when i get home, but laymans terms my right leg is 15mm shorter, I have and issue with my L6, fallen arches (which I already knew). The other issues as per the MRI report are degenerative and likely caused by the significant delays in diagnosing and treating and / or hereditary.

The back brace has been used for the last 2 weeks to try and stabilise everything because every time he treats me with traction or manipulation or I do some of the strengthening exercises it is all so inflammed it just flares it up further. He is hoping that the few weeks of stability will settle this down and we can move onto properly treating.

So far, I am feeling better with less pain so something is helping.  He has told me it is unlikely I will be able to run again given how far things have degenerated, and my age, without it causing likely ongoing issues. I'm disappointed as I would like to do some more Marathon / off-road / ultra stuff, but so be it.

He has told me I can ride, and recommends I do once we get things sorted and on track. Will likely need to shim my cycling shoes on the right side.

So...........I have ordered a new bike!

As we are living full time in the caravan space is obviously at a premium, so have previously sold all bikes except for my roadie. Will now look to offload that. Have ordered a nice little gravel bike. Comes standard with 38mm tyres to get off-road, but can fit 650b wheels for the rougher stuff.  Will likely look to get a set of these in due course, as well as some nice carbon rims for the road as I still do some Charity rides and stuff.  Hopefully this will be a jack of all trades and I'll be able to do it all with this.  Its not my forever bike, and its likely to get knocked about while we are travelling so have gone for an alloy frame, hydraulic disks and GRX (2X) running gear.  Hopefully should be here by end of November so early Christmas present. (Have told my Bel she needs to start saving for my forever bike)

So, the whole friends thing?

Yeah, well, I have found that I have been slowly withdrawing from just about everyone and everything. This has been a conscious decision and is reflective of what Bel and I have done with our lifestyle in terms of down sizing / minimising everything and living in our van full time with a view to travelling full time in the reasonably near future.

I just found that I was done with all of the shit. All of the negativity, and bitchiness, and keeping up with the Joneses, and me, me,me attitudes.  I am done with it all.  I have a mate who I talk with (is texting talking?) maybe once a week or so and that's about it.  Thing is, I don't miss the large social circle.

I am well aware around the issues of isolation and connection etc and the links to Mental Health and the like as I deal with that everyday through my work, but I am more than happy with my own company, and Bel's and that's about it.  I am excited about the opportunity to exercise again and the new bike coming and I am really looking forward to christening it.

I know there is still a ways to go with the leg pain issue but hopefully now that I have found someone who has properly diagnosed we are well on the way.  Can't offer much more about the friendship thing except to say embrace it for what it is. There is always a reason for something - it just might not be clear at the moment.

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Guest Jim Shortz

Glad you are getting it sorted Ayto 😎👌 

And well done on the new ride 👍👍👍👍

 

Look after yourself and the Mrs. Looking forward to seeing the new bike 

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10 hours ago, roxii said:

I have lost contact with most of my friends through retiring from tris,

 

 

Nah mate...still here...we've known each other for 20 years and  yeah IM is past us both...although coffee ...a paddle or a spin on the MTB and chat is overdue...

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On 26/10/2020 at 10:46 AM, Katz said:

I found, as so many others have also, when I was depressed and suicidal, I pushed everyone away. I treated some people badly. I treated others with neglect. I simply disappeared out of some people's lives without a word.

What I found when it came time that I could let people back into my life was, some people I didn't want back. Others I did and they accepted me back without hesitation. Others, those I either treated badly, or hurt when I just walked away without any explanation, needed an apology from me. They needed me to acknowledge that what I did, whether intentional or not, hurt them. It wasn't good enough to simply ignore what I had done and expect others to ignore it also and pick up where we left off. For most, a simply apology and acknowledgement was enough. For others, nothing was enough and it breaks my heart, but that was the unfortunate outcome.

I had to do the right thing though and let others decide whether that would be enough for them to let me back into their lives. 

I currently have a similar situation that I am hoping to work out  with a couple of people ( if they ever make contact again).This helped me a lot Katz to see it from the other side of the fence. Thanks for sharing.

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Interesting to read about friends.  I can relate.  I have more acquaintances than friends.

throughout school I had no mates, would always just hang out by myself in areas of the school ground where no one would go, got to high school and spent most of my time wagging class and doing anything I could to avoid the place, ended up leaving in year ten.

adult life I never fitted in at my work places and ended the victim of numerous workplace bullies.  Then moved to construction where I “made friends” but would only turn out to be work friends, construction would finish and people move on never to hear from them again.  I’m partly to blame as I make next to no effort to stay in touch.  
 

now that I’m out of that industry and in a full time position locally I’ve made mates within my crew at work (we have spearfishing in common) but I often wonder if I left would we still be mates or would it be too hard again.  But it’s been nice to get invited to do things with people - I’ve never had that.  
 

kieran

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4 hours ago, KieranR said:

Interesting to read about friends.  I can relate.  I have more acquaintances than friends.

throughout school I had no mates, would always just hang out by myself in areas of the school ground where no one would go, got to high school and spent most of my time wagging class and doing anything I could to avoid the place, ended up leaving in year ten.

adult life I never fitted in at my work places and ended the victim of numerous workplace bullies.  Then moved to construction where I “made friends” but would only turn out to be work friends, construction would finish and people move on never to hear from them again.  I’m partly to blame as I make next to no effort to stay in touch.  
 

now that I’m out of that industry and in a full time position locally I’ve made mates within my crew at work (we have spearfishing in common) but I often wonder if I left would we still be mates or would it be too hard again.  But it’s been nice to get invited to do things with people - I’ve never had that.  
 

kieran

Me too re friends.

Had some good friends as a young teen in our small country town, but being sent to boarding school @15 destroyed that.

Does not really bother me though as I prefer to do my past-times solo, always have (training, fly-fishing, model building).  Only person I train with sometimes is my wife.

Have one mate who I go fishing with a bit, but he is very busy with his business, so only see him once every few months.  Other's I was in college with who we see almost every week socially & go on many hols with, but they do not share my interests really.  On hols, my wife & them do stuff while I head off fishing alone for hours 🐟

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Friendships are funny things. I've always really wanted close friends, but never really had them. Don't really understand why. Always just assume I'm not very likeable generally though those few who do happen to like suggest that's not true. I am doubtful.

I had a very close friend while I was at uni. We know where all of each others bodies are buried. Then when we finished uni, after a few years our lives went in different directions, she got married and had kids and got caught up in mummies groups and stuff and she just drifted away to the point of cutting me out of her life completely for no apparent reason. I still miss her and the friendship terribly. Almost the same thing has happened again recently which has saddened me greatly, though this person and I weren't as close. Like Kieran I sometimes make friends in the workplace and think they are real friends (they are to me) but only later find out it's just work friends and that's it. 

I often struggle knowing that there is almost no one in the world I could turn to or rely on if I really needed it. I have no one to call on if I need help, unless it is Stikman and sometimes he's the cause of the problem and can't be the solution.  I miss having someone I can talk to who is as invested in the friendship as I am. I mean I really miss it. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. 

I almost never get invites anywhere and if I host something I tend to get responses of "yeah, sounds great if I'm free" and then they're not free when the time comes. I've had a number of big life events which I've invited pretty much everyone I've ever spoken to and had very small numbers turn up. On one memorable occasion, of about 100 invites, I had 12 attend. That was the time I decided I won't be doing anything like that ever again. The rejection hurts too much.

So, now I just plod along on my own for the most part. Look after myself as best I can. I don't mind my own company (isolation and social distancing hasn't been a hardship at all LOL). I do miss having someone I can just be myself with though, talk all the shit with, say all the unspeakable things to. A best friend. Well, any friend if I am really honest. 

 

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Thank you Katz, ComfortablyNumb, KieranR and everyone else with their stories on friendships. I was going to post, but basically you have all touched on the same things that I have gone or are going through.

It must be OK to be different.

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4 hours ago, Katz said:

 

I often struggle knowing that there is almost no one in the world I could turn to or rely on if I really needed it. I have no one to call on if I need help, unless it is Stikman and sometimes he's the cause of the problem and can't be the solution.  I miss having someone I can talk to who is as invested in the friendship as I am. I mean I really miss it. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. 

 

 

I had a best friend when I was 14, her name is Jodie, we were destined to get married and have a couple of kids, we went our different ways but we always knew we could talk to each other.  15 months ago I got a random message from her.  And we’ve been in fairly constant contact.  I miss her and vice versa.  She’s the one person other than my wife that I can tell everything.  

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3 hours ago, fiftyplus said:

Thank you Katz, ComfortablyNumb, KieranR and everyone else with their stories on friendships. I was going to post, but basically you have all touched on the same things that I have gone or are going through.

It must be OK to be different.

Seconded.

And yep, it is ok to be different, but it sure can be lonely and hurt though.  

 

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2 hours ago, ComfortablyNumb said:

I must be a bit farked up cos I can never recall being lonely?

And I think my hermit tendencies are only increasing as I get older?

Possibly because you have your partner? I was quite happy to only spend time with my wife rather than going out to catch up with others...

Now alone the last 4+ years and even more isolated with WFH the last 7 months with family and my few remaining friends outside my 5km, my only interactions have been one daily Zoom meeting with my work team members and a few phone calls with family. I am very much a hermit, but even towards the end of the latest restrictions started struggling with feelings of loneliness! 

 

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20 hours ago, Katz said:

Friendships are funny things. I've always really wanted close friends, but never really had them. Don't really understand why. Always just assume I'm not very likeable generally though those few who do happen to like suggest that's not true. I am doubtful.

I had a very close friend while I was at uni. We know where all of each others bodies are buried. Then when we finished uni, after a few years our lives went in different directions, she got married and had kids and got caught up in mummies groups and stuff and she just drifted away to the point of cutting me out of her life completely for no apparent reason. I still miss her and the friendship terribly. Almost the same thing has happened again recently which has saddened me greatly, though this person and I weren't as close. Like Kieran I sometimes make friends in the workplace and think they are real friends (they are to me) but only later find out it's just work friends and that's it. 

I often struggle knowing that there is almost no one in the world I could turn to or rely on if I really needed it. I have no one to call on if I need help, unless it is Stikman and sometimes he's the cause of the problem and can't be the solution.  I miss having someone I can talk to who is as invested in the friendship as I am. I mean I really miss it. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. 

I almost never get invites anywhere and if I host something I tend to get responses of "yeah, sounds great if I'm free" and then they're not free when the time comes. I've had a number of big life events which I've invited pretty much everyone I've ever spoken to and had very small numbers turn up. On one memorable occasion, of about 100 invites, I had 12 attend. That was the time I decided I won't be doing anything like that ever again. The rejection hurts too much.

So, now I just plod along on my own for the most part. Look after myself as best I can. I don't mind my own company (isolation and social distancing hasn't been a hardship at all LOL). I do miss having someone I can just be myself with though, talk all the shit with, say all the unspeakable things to. A best friend. Well, any friend if I am really honest. 

 

Similar situations throughout my journey Katz. Same happened on my 21st years ago. Heaps invited...SFA showed up. It hurt.

You can only put yourself out there so much, and from not lack of trying , you eventually give up and retreat back into your shell. I get it.

Keep your chin up. Maybe get yourself another cat.

 

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I find this quite interesting and rather sad. I also worry about my oldest son (20 year old) who has very few friends and no one really close. For him I hope that when he gets back to Uni next year that he meets someone. Then I have an 18 year old son who is never home and has a massive group of friends from pretty much all over Melbourne. The contrast is quite extreme.

I wish I had more words of wisdom but its really hard to keep putting yourself out there and having it not go anywhere. I read something recently that suggested that to make a close friend you needed to invest around 1000 hours into the relationship. I'm not sure if that number is quite right but it was a big number. In our busy lives its hard for anyone to invest that amount of time in a friendship, hence the challenge of developing new close friends. I think at the end of the day you have to work out what is best for you and if you crave friendship then at least get out and join a group and see where things go. Its also OK to have work friends but also have the anticipation that once you leave that job your work friends are most likely not to remain your friends as they were friendships formed around a common interest. (work), same with triathlon etc. It doesn't necessarily make it any easier but its important to have the right expectations and not expect more than you are likely to get. Sometimes you can be suprised.

Also keep in mind that you are not alone and quite possibly there is someone in your community with exactly the same concerns. I can think of at least two acquaintances who are in exactly the same situation.

 

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6 November has been a bittersweet day for a while being my late mother's birthday, but now it's also the anniversary of when my younger sister M and I met our older half-sister B last year. B is the spitting image of Mum (and I always thought I was her mini-me 😁)
 
So here's cheers to both my gorgeous sisters and our crazy/brave/amazing mother 🥂 
 
I've been trying to only drink every second day but I think today is okay.  I will wait until after 5pm though cos I'm working.
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On 06/11/2020 at 11:16 AM, Evil Guru said:

I find this quite interesting and rather sad. I also worry about my oldest son (20 year old) who has very few friends and no one really close. For him I hope that when he gets back to Uni next year that he meets someone. Then I have an 18 year old son who is never home and has a massive group of friends from pretty much all over Melbourne. The contrast is quite extreme.

 

Exactly the same as our daughters.  Like chalk & cheese.

Eldest has never had any close friends, still doesn't really at age 27.  Really struggled with this at school/uni/work.  Was on dating websites, several short relationships that only ever lasted a few months, but now has a boyfriend (from dating website) which has lasted more than a year & she is very happy.  Hope it lasts.  Regardless, he has been very good for her.  They've basically lived together through Covid.

Youngest could walk into a room full of strangers & they would flock to her.  Numerous really good female friends, same boyfriend since college for 6yrs who she lives with.

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On 06/11/2020 at 11:16 AM, Evil Guru said:

I find this quite interesting and rather sad. I also worry about my oldest son (20 year old) who has very few friends and no one really close. For him I hope that when he gets back to Uni next year that he meets someone. Then I have an 18 year old son who is never home and has a massive group of friends from pretty much all over Melbourne. The contrast is quite extreme.

 

Exactly the same as our daughters.  Like chalk & cheese.

Eldest has never had any close friends, still doesn't really at age 27.  Really struggled with this at school/uni/work.  Was on dating websites, several short relationships that only ever lasted a few months, but now has a boyfriend (from dating website) which has lasted more than a year & she is very happy.  Hope it lasts.  Regardless, he has been very good for her.  They've basically lived together through Covid.

Youngest could walk into a room full of strangers & they would flock to her.  Numerous really good female friends, same boyfriend since college for 6yrs who she lives with.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's been an incredibly trying year this year, with so many stressors on so many different fronts!  But this last week, we've kinda been having some wins!  My psychologist has finally had a bit of a breakthrough and has finally been able to get me to realise I need to value myself within my field, and accept that I am highly skilled and highly sought after and that I should be charging accordingly; enough that I can afford to take some time off and be able to put some info super etc.  She wasn't able to convince me to nearly double my hourly rate (in practise, at best I usually only make half of that rate, with interruptions etc), but I am jumping it up a bit.  It's a start.  It won't mean I take time off this Xmas, but hopefully next.  I am pretty much completely exhausted though, mentally and physically so I might take some time when I can.  It's more than 2 years now since I last had a week off, so it is earned.

My daughter is currently visiting a psychiatrist as she suspects she also has adhd.  Not that you want to rush these things, but the PBS still has an old work attitude to the medications for ADHD, and if she's not diagnosed before turning 19 she has to pay the full price for ADHD medication.  In my case, it costs me $80/month, and we have a concession card and past the safety net in June so I could be paying nothing for my meds now.

My son has finally agreed to go back to counseling!  It's taken more than a year to get him to agree to this.  Naturally, ringing around every place has closed their books for the time being.  But of all places, I fluked a call to Headspace and rather than being the girl on the front desk, my call was answered by one of the intake assessment counsellors!  Rather than waiting into next year, she said they'd just had a cancellation and he now has an initial phone appointment this Friday!  So over the moon with that.

Probably one of the best things of all I'll post in the good news thread, but for Kyan it might be life-changing, of he embraces it.

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