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trilobite

Spouses’ attitudes to triathlon

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So some recent comments in other threads got me thinking that the elephant in the room in many discussions on here is the attitude of your spouse towards your triathlon past-time.

For example, some race reports praise how encouraging the writer’s spouse and family have been.

While as a father of 3 under 10s with a working spouse, the attitude to triathlon in my home might best be described as tolerated (eg if I came home one day and declared it was time to put my bike, wetsuit and runners on gumtree, I expect the announcement would be warmly received).

What’s your spouse or family’s attitude to your training, have you attempted to shift the dial and how did that go, etc?

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Quite a timely post for what has been going on in my house over the last while...  We have no kids and I don't have a stressful job - ie 40 hour weeks is the norm for me, so I train about 12 hrs a week and don't see the issue - I do more than my fair share around the house. Whenever I race, Mr BogFrog is really supportive and says how proud he is when I do well etc. But when I'm training, he feels as though everything comes before him, so after worlds in Sept, I was asked to take a break, so I did. Less training and no racing.

It was his turn. So I supported him while he did trained and did races. I've picked up my training again and someone around the house is none too pleased. And this from someone who has bought entries to do 5 races over the next year including the full at Port Mac...

 

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Apathy. My wife (and kids) have watched me race twice  - once in Canberra and once at the Riff.

I'm cool with it, it can be boring as bat shit to watch. I can't think of a race I've been too where there hasn't been friends there so it's not like I'm lonely.  I've not tried to change her mind, I doubt it would work if I did try :)

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9 minutes ago, BogFrog said:

Quite a timely post for what has been going on in my house over the last while...  We have no kids and I don't have a stressful job - ie 40 hour weeks is the norm for me, so I train about 12 hrs a week and don't see the issue - I do more than my fair share around the house. Whenever I race, Mr BogFrog is really supportive and says how proud he is when I do well etc. But when I'm training, he feels as though everything comes before him, so after worlds in Sept, I was asked to take a break, so I did. Less training and no racing.

It was his turn. So I supported him while he did trained and did races. I've picked up my training again and someone around the house is none too pleased. And this from someone who has bought entries to do 5 races over the next year including the full at Port Mac...

 

Do you have a cleaner?

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My ex told me my training for IM was the reason he decided to have an affair.

I now have a partner who will not let me race without him lest I get a medal he doesn't have. :angry:

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1 minute ago, Katz said:

My ex told me my training for IM was the reason he decided to have an affair.

The real reason is he was a dick - the training might have given him opportunity but it wasn't the reason.

You seem to be in a good place now so I guess it worked out better for you anyway.

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4 minutes ago, trinube said:

Apathy. My wife (and kids) have watched me race twice  - once in Canberra and once at the Riff.

I'm cool with it, it can be boring as bat shit to watch. I can't think of a race I've been too where there hasn't been friends there so it's not like I'm lonely.  I've not tried to change her mind, I doubt it would work if I did try :)

To clarify, what I had in mind was attitude to carving out time for training (I assume that most people spend more time training than racing).

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Just now, trilobite said:

To clarify, what I had in mind was attitude to carving out time for training (I assume that most people spend more time training than racing).

When I was training a lot, I tried to do it at times when it didn't affect the family. Her biggest concern was safety when riding - she kept buying me ID tags :lol: . I think she was happy when I stopped but she'd never have asked me to.

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My wife is not sporty at all and has never shown any interest in ever coming out for a run, ride or swim.  She is however very supportive and has been at most of my bigger events.  I'm very conscious of the fact that she's not a huge fan of the sport although she does seem to have an interest in most of the stuff that I'm involved in.  For many years we've treated races as a great excuse to go places.  After our honeymoon to Fiji in 1996, the next 5 trips that we had overseas were all to go to races that I was competing in.  Even in Australia, this sport has taken us on some amazing holidays.  I can't complain about my life at all, I've got it very, very good.

There have been times, however, that the other half has complained that I don't get enough stuff done around home.

I owe her big time!

 

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I have a very supportive spouse, she absolutely acknowledges the importance of hobbies/ lifestyle, keeping in shape. She also loves the positive influence on our daughter.  Zero issues with the cost or the time. Not just triathlon, riding/running/ surfing.

If anything, it's myself pulling on the reins a bit lately.

Edited by FatPom

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My performances have always been mediocre at best, I'm fine with that.  My training mediocre as well.  Still my wife hasn't been that enthused by the amount I was doing and how tired I generally was.  And she has said I'm not doing an IM.  I don't begrudge her that.  This wasn't part of my life until well into our life together, and what I would have had to do to be ready to finish an IM wouldn't have been fair on our family.  She hasn't really ever seen me race, except for the finish of my first half marathon.  But trudging around those events isn't easy with a walking stick or scooter.

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If I am not doing a reasonable amount of exercise, I am impossible to live with.

When I am injured, I am told I run in my sleep.

Obviously I need help

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Our family situation and Tris.  We all do something in swim/bike/run, except our eldest girl, who (after trying lots of activities very briefly) has found she likes Pilates using the Reformer machines which is great as there are plenty of those classes in Sydney.

 

 

 

Edited by ComfortablyNumb
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8 hours ago, Bored@work said:

Do you have a cleaner?

Yes. I still do more around the house than he does though

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Mrs Scubasteve is 99% supportive :) we both work full time ( I work from home 3 days)  and she does crossfit 4-5 times a week.

Most of my training fits around  her training so there’s not too much interruption except for the weekend long ride. 4hrs was ok, she got a bit fed up with the 6 hr rides in the last month, as did I.

We both split the housework and cooking so no issue there.

She’s at all my big races bit skips the sprints. Long time ago she did sprint/od do she understands what’s going on.

we do have an agreement of one Ironman every 2 years though. The non Ironman year is still 8-12hrs which is barely noticeable.

I’m pretty lucky to have her, I couldn’t get through it without her.

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I solved the problem and got myself the right spouse 😁

Ex was very un supportive and i would cop grief for going to a bike shop let alone buying something...

These days spouse and i regularly train together (mountain biking) and i rarely am in a bike shop without her 

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Mine is super supportive so long as I dont say Im too tired for a 'special cuddle' 😉

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33 minutes ago, Surfer said:

Mine is super supportive so long as I dont say Im too tired for a 'special cuddle' 😉

Never too tired for special cuddles

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6 minutes ago, BarryBevan said:

As long as I make sure to do my share with kids and house, we are good. 

Sort of like a discussion of what paying a fair share of tax is, I suspect views on what are appropriate contributions at home vary (eg most of us probably know some families where the division of paying the bills, looking after kids, making meals etc is straight out of the 1950s)

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I think where spouses struggle is when they married one person and then that person starts doing ironman or long events. 

I was doing triathlons when i met my wife. 

I actually proposed after watching an f1 race at manly. 

We went for dinner and a walk after via shelley beach and i popped the question.  

Ive never had an issue at all. 

But with a small family i stopped ironmans and now have no desire to do another. 

Done 10. Good number to stop on. 

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15 hours ago, trilobite said:

While as a father of 3 under 10s with a working spouse, the attitude to triathlon in my home might best be described as tolerated (eg if I came home one day and declared it was time to put my bike, wetsuit and runners on gumtree, I expect the announcement would be warmly received).

Ditto..... and a party would be thrown .... and possibly a national holiday declared 🤣

He loves my achievements and loves watching me race, but hates the amount of time I train and the obsession I have for it.

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14 hours ago, trinube said:

When I was training a lot, I tried to do it at times when it didn't affect the family. 

I do this.  Early mornings and when the girls are at skipping training. 

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I could say triathlon has almost cost me my marriage. I could also say it has saved my marriage. 

When I first started racing I did Port Mac or Busso every year. My wife was sick of the same locations year in year out. She was also sick of me talking about IM & spending money on racing etc when we really should have been saving the money. Life had to fit in around club training sessions etc 

Then I started training solo, stopped talking about IM, we traveled to new and exciting locations to race. Training now fits in around life. 

1 hour ago, trilobite said:

Sort of like a discussion of what paying a fair share of tax is, I suspect views on what are appropriate contributions at home vary (eg most of us probably know some families where the division of paying the bills, looking after kids, making meals etc is straight out of the 1950s)

This is my house. I never cook, haven't opened a letter in 20 years, wouldn't know how to pay a bill. We have a cleaner and I pay someone to do the maintenance jobs around the house. It works for us.

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2 hours ago, -H- said:

Never too tired for special cuddles

My wife once wrote it on my training program. She wanted to make sure it got done😂

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3 hours ago, Surfer said:

Mine is super supportive so long as I dont say Im too tired for a 'special cuddle' 😉

Hmmmmmmm...

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25 minutes ago, Bored@work said:

My wife once wrote it on my training program. She wanted to make sure it got done😂

That beats cracking the shits at your training and avoiding “special cuddles” as a consequence...

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39 minutes ago, Bored@work said:

My wife once wrote it on my training program. She wanted to make sure it got done😂

Do you wear your HR monitor?

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If training properly special cuddles should be very challenging, unless you are a shirtless strutting septugenarian, who is a god amongst men, wrestling tigers in spare time

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Wife has little interest but very supportive at races. 

I acknowledge the training can be a chore.

But as said in a previous post it’s about being smart. Years ago when kids were in bed by 9pm etc...... bye bye...... 2-3 hour run. Home by midnight. Short recover...snack.... bed. 

Swim and home before people get out of bed. Run at lunch times. Mid week rides up very early home by 06:30/07:00.

weekend rides........they become rides against the clock.

Dont play the tired card and pull your finger out around home.

Low impact to family.

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1 hour ago, Bored@work said:

No but I recorded it on Strava.

 

 

*only joking. The segment was too short 😥

Wouldn’t be happy if a stranger stole your kom! 

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My wife was awesome all through my tri racing and training. Before the hip diagnosis she was at me to do another Ironman. 

We travelled to Forster 2002 the day after she was released from hospital with our first born who was 11 days old on race day. 

I proposed at Forster in 1996 so tri has always been part of our lives. I think she misses parts of it as much if not more than I do. 

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1 hour ago, IronmanFoz said:

 

But as said in a previous post it’s about being smart. Years ago when kids were in bed by 9pm etc...... bye bye...... 2-3 hour run. Home by midnight. Short recover...snack.... bed. 

Low impact to family.

So when you got back from your run at around midnight, were 6am (or earlier) starts with the little guys a problem?

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13 minutes ago, roxii said:

I think she misses parts of it as much if not more than I do. 

Probably the bits where you're out of the house for long periods :)

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3 minutes ago, trinube said:

Probably the bits where you're out of the house for long periods :)

Yeah I did wonder about that. 

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6 minutes ago, roxii said:

Yeah I did wonder about that. 

Gives her time to mow the lawn in peace :)

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Still, it all pales into insignificance compared to fishing.  I nearly missed the birth of our youngest & did miss the burst appendix surgery of our eldest cos the bass were on 🐟

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I started going out with my wife in the period between my KQ & when I went to Kona, so she knew exactly what she was getting into. I ruined all that when I took a 19 year break before my next race. She'd gotten used to the non-triathlete, and when I started training again, and became once again obsessed, it was not looked at well. She has no interest in sport at all, but tolerated what I did, as long as it didn't eat into family time, my work around the house, or our finances. 

Since being ruled out of ever doing it again though, she's realised what sport & fitness means to me (maybe it's the constant moping around) and tries to get me to go to the gym etc.

When I mention travelling to England for a quick dip in the channel though, it gets the same reaction as Triathlon used to. :)

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43 minutes ago, ComfortablyNumb said:

Still, it all pales into insignificance compared to fishing.  I nearly missed the birth of our youngest & did miss the burst appendix surgery of our eldest cos the bass were on 🐟

It's all good girls.  My wife gets payback by riding the hills harder than I want to go..... and the birth was 2 weeks early...and the burst appendix was cos the shit staff in the local ER diagnosed it as a bladder infection (despite a white cell count thru the roof thanks to our GP suggesting a blood test beforehand which they ignored the useless fcuks) and they refused to get a surgeon to check until our daughter started passing out and the urine test (which my wife had to suggest they do) came back negative....so my wife basically saved our daughter life.

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4 hours ago, trilobite said:

So when you got back from your run at around midnight, were 6am (or earlier) starts with the little guys a problem?

Occasionally yes..... but often I would be back out the door at 5:00 for a ride. 

This was when I was younger of course, but I do tend to survive on little sleep.

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Very simple fix , to keeping life/train balance , therefore keeping spouse happy 😃 

A get out of bed earlier and be organised 

B do all your rides (or most) on the trainer 

C ditch any group “training” sessions , this frees up sooooo much time , and allows you do get done what u need to get done at a time that suits EG early morning and there is no time lost waiting before and after for that dude that’s allways late . Also no time wasted getting to and from session . It’s all about time management 

D see Point A

Edited by ironpo
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I actually prefer the group sessions. But I come from a team background.  

I detest solo sessions. 

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15 hours ago, roxii said:

Before the hip diagnosis she was at me to do another Ironman.

I think she misses parts of it as much if not more than I do. 

Read between the lines :P

i just got rid of the spouse. Was a win win really. New job won't allow me the structure to do tris so running it is. 

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2 hours ago, Peter said:

I actually prefer the group sessions. But I come from a team background.  

I detest solo sessions. 

We still taking about training? :lol:

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5 hours ago, ironpo said:

Very simple fix , to keeping life/train balance , therefore keeping spouse happy 😃 

A get out of bed earlier and be organised 

B do all your rides (or most) on the trainer 

C ditch any group “training” sessions , this frees up sooooo much time , and allows you do get done what u need to get done at a time that suits EG early morning and there is no time lost waiting before and after for that dude that’s allways late . Also no time wasted getting to and from session . It’s all about time management 

D see Point A

I agree with B & C but there is advantages to training in a group esp on the bike. You will push yourself longer & harder in a bunch ride than you ever will on the trainer, especially if you ride with ppl better than you. 

A) Get out of bed earlier might work for some. I laugh when people say get up at 4am for training session. For me I would have to go to bed by 9pm. By the time we get home from work, do some training, eat, dishes, help daughter with school home work etc Then spend some time with my wife it's 10/10:30.  There is no way I'm getting up at 4am 

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41 minutes ago, Bored@work said:

I agree with B & C but there is advantages to training in a group esp on the bike. You will push yourself longer & harder in a bunch ride than you ever will on the trainer, especially if you ride with ppl better than you. 

A) Get out of bed earlier might work for some. I laugh when people say get up at 4am for training session. For me I would have to go to bed by 9pm. By the time we get home from work, do some training, eat, dishes, help daughter with school home work etc Then spend some time with my wife it's 10/10:30.  There is no way I'm getting up at 4am 

Unless I’m mistaken about IP’s circumstances, before he can get to bed around 9pm I don’t think he has to contend with a 5pm (or later) work finish, significant commute time and getting involved with homework.

In fact, I would love to hear if anyone with that “fact pattern” in their life finds a 4:xxam training start time consistently works for them?

Edited by trilobite

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19 minutes ago, trilobite said:

Unless I’m mistaken about IP’s circumstances, before he can get to bed around 9pm I don’t think he has to contend with a 5pm (or later) work finish, significant commute time and getting involved with homework.

In fact, I would love to hear if anyone with that “fact pattern” in their life finds a 4:xxam training start time consistently works for them?

Exactly my point. He referred to it as a Very Simple fix.

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