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KieranR

Parenting is hard

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I'll be honest, I struggle with it

I had to cancel a planned trip to Perth with my daughter to see Disney on Ice this June due to her behavior, I have given her multiple warnings and have given her the tools she needs to make the right decisions but she failed to "get on board" and two weeks ago i said there are no more warnings, and then on Monday i cancelled the trip.  she has hated on me since, I know she will be ok, Im already ok with my decision, because i made the call that this would be taken away if she didn't improve, and ive followed through with it, but man its hard.

The things we wanted her to work on were

- the way she talks to her brother (the tone)

- not ignoring her mother and I when we talk to her, request her to do things

- in public to be polite and not interrupt rudely if we are talking to other people

- actually do as she is told

She is only 8, but she is an intelligent kid, who is making dumb decisions, maybe we are asking a lot from her (I dont feel we are), we are just trying to raise a good kid.

My wife and I are not exactly the calmest of people.  Wife has a short fuse, lets things build up then explodes, I just have a short temper when dealing with shit, probably better described as having a low tolerance for stupid/ time wasting/ dumb decision making etc etc.

My wife blames herself for the personality our daughter has, being that she is basically identical to her mother, however i keep trying to tell her that we are all individual, sure there a bits of us that mould her personality, but she has the tools to make her own decisions on how she behaves, we dont make her backchat, we dont make her ignore us.........

Its just hard...........

Rant over....sorry

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Had plenty of struggles with our son.  The amount of times his Xbox and who knows what other toys ended up in my cupboard.  He's 12 but can still throw a 5 year olds tantrum with the best of them (or like me).

Sometimes I guess you just have to let them think you're the worst person in the world for a while, till they come round.  

But it doesn't matter how old they are, someone's you just have to remember they are still kids.  My daughter is 16 today and she's been all peaches and cream.  But I still have to ask her to do something, then ask again, and again, then do it myself and remind her that she didn't do it. 

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You describe my daughter who is 8 in a month pretty much to the T Kieran, except for the times where she calls me and my wife by our first names trying to get a rise out of us, or goes off on one of her "my house, my rules" or comes straight out and tells my wife for no reason that she has a bad husband

I've found that it's a combination of hitting them where it hurts (removing wi-fi codes seems to work at times, other times it is keeping her home from playdates with friends, or a financial penalty which with the local show coming up is working at the moment) and giving them more attention outside of when the behaviour is being shown seems to work.  But time and place for everything, been a few times where we need to get places or do things and don't have time for her hissy fits and the wooden spoon coming out can have the desired effect.  Just the threat of it can work when she is worked up, rarely have to actually use it

Good to follow through on the threats though

Now someone tell me how to deal with a 5 year old daughter learning all of these habits from her, I really want a break from this parenting thing for around the next 15 years...

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You are not alone mate, for most of us it is by far the hardest thing you will do. Ironman training seems like a pleasant break from parenting. :lol: 

Often the brighter they are the harder it is, for everyone. 

My daughter was similar, I think its their brain thinking things that they are not emotionally mature enough to think through or 2nd guess. Then they have a emotional meltdown when it sinks in both what they have done and the consequences. 

You just have to stick with it and do what you think is right. My wife is in early childhood with uni degrees etc and even she struggles sometimes, so you can take some heart from that. 

My wife always said "Dont make threats you are not prepared to go through with"  as in the heat of the moment you may threaten to cancel christmas or hunt down the easter bunny :lol:  but it taught me to try and calm down and make the threats more measured as well. 

On the upside she is nearly 16 now, I havent killed her, she is a great kid (still has her moments) and is filling in at my work as receptionist for the school holidays to earn money to pay for a trip to Rwanda to assist with some health/ mission work.  So there is hope. 

Hang in there. 

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1 minute ago, roxii said:

"Dont make threats you are not prepared to go through with" 

I am prepared to follow through with my 8th birthday present to her being dropped off at the orphanage - honest :whistling:

Well, maybe only 2% of the time

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Ok thanks,

Cottoneyes - my son is 5 in two weeks, so we have a bit in common with our kids ages, its certainly interesting times

Goughy - cheers mate, i think I'll be forever asking over and over again to do something i have already asked multiple times....

Roxii- some good stuff there, totally agree with the brighter they are comment, shes showing signs of high intelligence, her teachers at school are blown away, so yes i think this makes it even more challenging, in regards to being prepared to follow through, we absolutely do, we have to because if we dont we know how it will end up.  my wife and I are big on experiences for our kids more than material things, so we have always traveled with them.  i believe it has to be something big as suggesting taking away her toy, or whatever doesn't work.

She seems to think however that if her behavior improves between now and June that her and i will still go to Perth but not Disney.....how wrong she is......she was less than impressed when i told her that after she suggested it.

Ex.....thats 14 years away...argh

 

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9 minutes ago, KieranR said:

 i think I'll be forever asking over and over again to do something i have already asked multiple times....

 

Ask once, if not done in a timely manner then ask again with consequences if not done.  Never ask a third time and always follow through.

We have to do these things for our kids to teach them the concept of natural justice (consequences to actions) or else they will be in big trouble later when they can't understand why bad things always happen to them.  It also helps teach resilience as they have to go without.  Lack of resilience has been linked to youth suicide and mental health issues.  Yes we feel like pricks for doing it but that's part of the job.

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you think parenting is hard......try step parenting....its dam hard...

yes it has been mentioned that if you don't like if this household, I can drop you off at your dads to live their....

good topic and helpful to those in similar 'boats'.....

yep it certainly has its challenges...

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8 minutes ago, Stikman said:

Ask once, if not done in a timely manner then ask again with consequences if not done.  Never ask a third time and always follow through.

We have to do these things for our kids to teach them the concept of natural justice (consequences to actions) or else they will be in big trouble later when they can't understand why bad things always happen to them.  It also helps teach resilience as they have to go without.  Lack of resilience has been linked to youth suicide and mental health issues.  Yes we feel like pricks for doing it but that's part of the job.

i think we are doing a good job, what you have said above is what we do, when i initially ask i let them know what will happen.  for example, for Xmas my son who is 5 received from me personally a hot wheels smash up car thing, no one knew i had gone and got it for him, (him and I dont seem to have a natural bond....yes he is mine) .  3 days after Xmas i said Judd, i want you to clean all your toys up in the toy room before dinner, this was 8 hours away, and i said if you do not do it the hot wheels toy will be taken to the salvos....i reminded him with 1 hr to go and set the timer so he could see it...he chose not to....i then took the toy and put it in my Ute, whilst being hit by him all the way out to the car, i then warned him and said violence is not accepted in my house at all (which he knows already) and said i will take away your scooter you just received also, he hit me again...the scooter and hot wheels are now at the women's refuge where children are happily playing with these toys......i always follow through.

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6 minutes ago, Shrek said:

you think parenting is hard......try step parenting....its dam hard...

yes it has been mentioned that if you don't like if this household, I can drop you off at your dads to live their....

good topic and helpful to those in similar 'boats'.....

yep it certainly has its challenges...

Full credit to you there....i dont think i could do it....

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Similar age gap with my kids, my daughter being 3 years older than my son.

But apart from forgetting to do the is thing now and then, and getting pretty moody and crabby every 4ish weeks (wait till that kicks in guys), she's pretty perfect.  She even slept well as a bub.  Which meant or boy was quite a shock after being spoilt by her.  Wouldn't change either for quids though.  As we say to Kyan all the time - you get what you get and you don't get upset!

Now for the real terror - I just got a message that she passed her learners and I have to take her on her first driving lesson this arvo!   Jeezus!

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30 minutes ago, KieranR said:

Then warned him and said violence is not accepted in my house at all 

Just a small thing mate, and may not have been intentional but changing the above phrase to “this house” or “our house” changes that dynamic of that sentence greatly and also possibly the subsequent reaction. 

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5 minutes ago, roxii said:

Just a small thing mate, and may not have been intentional but changing the above phrase to “this house” or “our house” changes that dynamic of that sentence greatly and also possibly the subsequent reaction. 

Yes very good point. taken that on board.

Thanks

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I have 28 children in my class at school. They are angels! I have two children in my house, one 6 year old who is pretty good. The other one is 8. She is either an angel or Devil!

It's so much easier to control a class of 28 then it is, two of your own. Everything that has been said above about your children is the same as mine. As you all know she has been waiting ages for her laptop. It arrived yesterday afternoon. We weren't expecting it until Thursday. Unfortunately she was very disrespectful to me at trio training so she was doing Dinner,  Teeth,  Bath, bed.  She was devastated when we told her that her laptop had arrived today and unfortunately she wouldn't be able to even take it out of the box tonight. We talked about how she's happy being disrespectful when it doesn't affect her but she gets awfully upset when all of a sudden her attitude and or behaviour affects her. Not looking forward to the Teenage Years with this one!

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Well, my daughter is now "legal", and I don't mean to drive!  Haven't even got my whittling chair and shotgun perched out the front door yet.  She's been dating her boyfriend for nearly 2 years now..........

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Flipper has just turned 4, she's usually very good, especially at tidying up toys (she thinks its a game) but we did go through the whole 'NO' phase with her a while back.   I told her she wouldn't see her bike for a week once when she repeatedly  played up, and I followed through by hiding it under the stairs. That's about as bad as it's ever been.

She doesn't really play up but has some annoying habits,  such as  rarely looking at me when I speak to her (she's better with Mrs FP) and hiding her face when she is trouble (and running full pelt at me once and headbutting me square in the nuts but I'm 'hoping' that was an accident :lol: ).

I know when things are real bad between her and I as she'll throw a wobbler in Korean about me to Mrs FP:rolleyes:

I always thinks she's such hard work but when we go out and I see a lot of other kids, I realise how lucky we are!

Edited by FatPom

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1 hour ago, goughy said:

Well, my daughter is now "legal", and I don't mean to drive!  Haven't even got my whittling chair and shotgun perched out the front door yet.  She's been dating her boyfriend for nearly 2 years now..........

hate to break it to you, but after 2 years that ship sailed a looooong time ago :naughty:

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:walkman: (can't hear you can't hear you can't hear you)

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Fixed, have shipped my daughter off to Europe on exchange for a year.

I just said to my wife that we didn't seem to have anywhere near the problems with our kids.  She called me an idiot, said I'm old, my memory was sh!t and to stop looking at my kids in rose coloured glasses. 

Now looking for an exchange for my wife.

 

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2 minutes ago, lawman said:

Fixed, have shipped my daughter off to Europe on exchange for a year.

I just said to my wife that we didn't seem to have anywhere near the problems with our kids.  She called me an idiot, said I'm old, my memory was sh!t and to stop looking at my kids in rose coloured glasses. 

Now looking for an exchange for my wife.

 

Power tools are always useful :D

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17 hours ago, KieranR said:

I'll be honest, I struggle with it

I had to cancel a planned trip to Perth with my daughter to see Disney on Ice this June due to her behavior, I have given her multiple warnings and have given her the tools she needs to make the right decisions but she failed to "get on board" and two weeks ago i said there are no more warnings, and then on Monday i cancelled the trip.  she has hated on me since, I know she will be ok, Im already ok with my decision, because i made the call that this would be taken away if she didn't improve, and ive followed through with it, but man its hard.

The things we wanted her to work on were

- the way she talks to her brother (the tone)

- not ignoring her mother and I when we talk to her, request her to do things

- in public to be polite and not interrupt rudely if we are talking to other people

- actually do as she is told

She is only 8, but she is an intelligent kid, who is making dumb decisions, maybe we are asking a lot from her (I dont feel we are), we are just trying to raise a good kid.

My wife and I are not exactly the calmest of people.  Wife has a short fuse, lets things build up then explodes, I just have a short temper when dealing with shit, probably better described as having a low tolerance for stupid/ time wasting/ dumb decision making etc etc.

My wife blames herself for the personality our daughter has, being that she is basically identical to her mother, however i keep trying to tell her that we are all individual, sure there a bits of us that mould her personality, but she has the tools to make her own decisions on how she behaves, we dont make her backchat, we dont make her ignore us.........

Its just hard...........

Rant over....sorry

You make it sound like she is in control of her behaviour (she probably isn't) and that she has the power to instantly change it because you simply tell her to.  You haven't mentioned if there is a reason as to why she behaving that way or what you have done to to find out why.  There may be a subtle reason for this (or maybe there isn't) Kids can be very complex and they are all very different.  Think of it as a project rather than a disciplinary issue.... :) 

 

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16 hours ago, Shrek said:

you think parenting is hard......try step parenting....its dam hard...

yes it has been mentioned that if you don't like if this household, I can drop you off at your dads to live their....

good topic and helpful to those in similar 'boats'.....

yep it certainly has its challenges...

Try fostering a 14 year old girl. Who has had nothing her entire life. She had no emotional attachment to things or people. Spent her entire life without. Threats just didn't work. That was crazy hard & put the biggest strain on my marriage. 

 

17 hours ago, Ex-Hasbeen said:

Don't worry guys. My daughter grew out of it at about 22.

Agree with this, Amber is now 25 with two of her own kids. I can't wait till they start giving her shit & she starts bitching about them to us. I'm going to drop the remember that time you.....

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Good on you for fostering.  Me and the Mrs have been discussing this over the last couple of years, maybe once ours have left.  It's not like we're going anywhere or doing anything.

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8 hours ago, The Customer said:

hate to break it to you, but after 2 years that ship sailed a looooong time ago :naughty:

No way. I remember when I was a teenage boy and my girlfriend wanted to jump me at 12.01 the day she became 'legal' and I said "woah Nelly, (not her real name), not until we are married...."

 

does that make you feel better Goughy... :D

 

 

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His family are very very Christian.......... but no, it doesn't help! Also doesn't help that, while I'm a prude, we certainly haven't been backwards about anything...... 

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Great thread. My boys are 3&5. The five year old is the youngest kid in grade one. Bright kid. One of the smartest kid in the year but gosh he's a hand full already. 

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5 hours ago, Pete said:

You make it sound like she is in control of her behaviour (she probably isn't) and that she has the power to instantly change it because you simply tell her to.  You haven't mentioned if there is a reason as to why she behaving that way or what you have done to to find out why.  There may be a subtle reason for this (or maybe there isn't) Kids can be very complex and they are all very different.  Think of it as a project rather than a disciplinary issue.... :) 

 

Hi Pete, I'll try answer this 

I think she is in control of her behavior but makes poor choices (maybe i dont understand this though), she doesn't instantly change back to good behavior, this week she has because i think this decision has really stung her and its something that she desperately wants to go to.  normally her behavior does not instantly change.

Not sure of the reason why - we have discussed quite a lot between my wife and I that we think there could be a link between her behavior and the amount of attention her brother gets, he has a number of things that require us to pay more attention to, with his diet (food prep as he is a Coeliac), allergies, medical appointments, speech therapy.  we have also discussed taking her to a child psychologist and talk although we have not taken that step yet..i think we will though.

 

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Keiran, I think its important not to be too hard on yourselves either.

There is no one rule book for parenting. As you say it is hard.

Every couple is different, everyone's lives are different, every child is different. No one can give you ACCURATE advice based on their situation that will be 100% relevant to you and your situation. 

We parent differently now to previous generations. Most don't have extended family nearby like in "the old days" which means parenting can end up being a 24/ 7 job with no break. Cant just "drop them with Nan and Pop and duck off for a quiet weekend to replenish the batteries and have some "adult" time. This can put added pressure on the family unit, which in turn will affect how you then deal with issues. 

Sometimes the simple fact that everyone is alive and well and still existing as a family in some form, needs to be taken as a victory, albeit a small one and anything else is seen as a welcome bonus. 

 

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Did the triple p online version (free) and got some useful insights.. as we all know though from planned vs actual training, having the knowledge is one thing, implementing it different..

Also did another one from parentworks but had largely the same content

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18 minutes ago, roxii said:

 

We parent differently now to previous generations. Most don't have extended family nearby like in "the old days" which means parenting can end up being a 24/ 7 job with no break. Cant just "drop them with Nan and Pop and duck off for a quiet weekend to replenish the batteries and have some "adult" time. This can put added pressure on the family unit, which in turn will affect how you then deal with issues. 

Sometimes the simple fact that everyone is alive and well and still existing as a family in some form, needs to be taken as a victory, albeit a small one and anything else is seen as a welcome bonus. 

 

This is really accurate to us - we live in the Pilbara, our families are in Nth Qld (although we are not close with them, so no real difference if we were there to be honest).  its definitely a 24/7 365 day thing for us, but we signed up for that when we decided to have children and to then live on the other side of the country...so no complaints there...it does wear you down though.

I tell my wife all the time.....hey the kids are fed healthy food, they go to school, they are happy, are clothed and have shoes...we arent doing too badly really.  she is a lot harder on herself than what I am.

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I have recently done a course up here that is provided to parents, called tuning into kids, I got a lot out of it, the emotion coaching training i received was fantastic, it has helped me a lot and give me better tools to use in my approach to kids emotions and how they see things and to other ways for me to react and approach.

 

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46 minutes ago, KieranR said:

Sometimes the simple fact that everyone is alive and well and still existing as a family in some form, needs to be taken as a victory, albeit a small one and anything else is seen as a welcome bonus.

I say a similar thing when my wife gets in one of her moods and says she's failed as a mum. "We have 2 kids, 22 & 16, and neither have spent a night in prison, or even been in trouble with the police. You must be doing something right."

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11 minutes ago, Ex-Hasbeen said:

I say a similar thing when my wife gets in one of her moods and says she's failed as a mum. "We have 2 kids, 22 & 16, and neither have spent a night in prison, or even been in trouble with the police. You must be doing something right."

I was a delinquent shithead in my teens and up to my mid 20's, spent a night in the watch house, I cant remember but I think I was charged with drunk & disorderly, obstruct police and something to do with fighting.  Plead guilty at my court appearance and have steered clear of trouble since then, it all stemmed from getting kicked out of the strippers with my best mate and then him being allowed into another club but I wasn't, he then started fighting the bouncers and so I joined in.  Not something im proud of one bit.

I've never ever touched drugs or anything like that which is something im proud of, not so for the rest of my family incl parents. And i treat my wife with absolute respect and hold my marriage and vows in the highest regard.  My wife and I have been together 20 years this year although i wouldn't have blamed her if she had of left and run a thousand km from me when we were younger...my mum often states that if it were not for my wife i'd probably be dead about 15 years ago.

So if we can raise our kids to respect the law, respect each human you come in contact with, do not be violent, avoid drugs and live a healthy lifestyle and give them some good career advice then I think my wife and I would have done a decent job and thats all i can ask for really

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3 hours ago, Rocket Salad said:

Great thread. My boys are 3&5. The five year old is the youngest kid in grade one. Bright kid. One of the smartest kid in the year but gosh he's a hand full already. 

You’re one of those parents. Funny. Didn’t expect it. 

 

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1 hour ago, Peter said:

You’re one of those parents. Funny. Didn’t expect it. 

 

I'm a dumb arse. Hence my job. LOL

It's the wife. She's a tiger mum. She pushes the homework to the point he ran out of prep words early in term 3 last year. They made up extra so he could keep going.

I'm happy to tell the world.

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3 hours ago, roxii said:

Keiran, I think its important not to be too hard on yourselves either.

There is no one rule book for parenting. As you say it is hard.

Every couple is different, everyone's lives are different, every child is different. No one can give you ACCURATE advice based on their situation that will be 100% relevant to you and your situation. 

We parent differently now to previous generations. Most don't have extended family nearby like in "the old days" which means parenting can end up being a 24/ 7 job with no break. Cant just "drop them with Nan and Pop and duck off for a quiet weekend to replenish the batteries and have some "adult" time. This can put added pressure on the family unit, which in turn will affect how you then deal with issues. 

Sometimes the simple fact that everyone is alive and well and still existing as a family in some form, needs to be taken as a victory, albeit a small one and anything else is seen as a welcome bonus. 

 

This is very true Roxii.  Mrs FP and I have been out for exactly 5 meals on our own together in over 4 yrs and not had a single night away without Flipper. Being a migrant and geographic orphans can take its toll but also builds a very strong bond between everyone.

on the plus, we don't have to put up with much interference and well meaning 'advice' on how to bring up our daughter.

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My adult sister is one of those kids that was deeply affected by any attention her siblings received.  It went unchecked and continued to control her life.  She is probably the most disturbed person I know.

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2 hours ago, Rocket Salad said:

I'm a dumb arse. Hence my job. LOL

It's the wife. She's a tiger mum. She pushes the homework to the point he ran out of prep words early in term 3 last year. They made up extra so he could keep going.

I'm happy to tell the world.

Mrs FP grew up in the Sth Korean education system. 12hrs a day at school and anything other than a high distinction is an abject failure. Me, I'm 'Mr 51% did I pass?' 

We're trying to strike a happy medium with that.

Flipper can swim, ride a bike with no training wheels, run and stand up up on a surfboard. My job is done, drops mic.:dj:

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On 25/01/2018 at 7:04 AM, FatPom said:

Power tools are always useful :D

Ummm hello..... bikes?!?!?

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From this, to this in 23 yrs.  Time flies when you're having fun.   It really wasn't that hard.....mind you I nearly missed her birth out fishing.....maybe all that fishing was why it wasn't so hard :blush:

 

001.jpg

Georgie Pyeongchang1.jpg

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3 hours ago, skel said:

Is she competing?????? 

No, works for Australian Olympic Ctee in media.  Currently working 16hr days over there as they all are, but that's life at the bottom of the fast lane :wacko:  Here's one of her vids from the AOC Facebook site :lol:

https://www.facebook.com/AUSOlympicTeam/videos/10156109242974297/

 

Edited by ComfortablyNumb
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Thanks BC.

Both our girls are chasing their dreams/going with their natural instinct work-wise, which is something I never did enough due to parental pressure. 

So we told both of them to do whatever they wanted after HSC - no pressure to become lawyers/doctors etc. Our eldest is a huge reader, so did an Arts degree majoring in English & Drama, then a Diploma of Publishing as she really wanted to work with authors/in editing.  She is now a Junior Editor for a major international publisher of childrens books & does a fair bit of graphic design work.  Paid peanuts, but you have to start somewhere.  Our youngest always wanted to work in sport/fitness/health and after an internship at the AOC while doing a Sports Mangt/Communications double degree, got offered part-time then full-time work there and is finishing her degree externally.  Also paid peanuts, but it is a great start, and she gets to travel the world to major sporting events.

Personality wise, they are like chalk & cheese, but both making their way in the world.

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33 minutes ago, ComfortablyNumb said:

Thanks BC.

Both our girls are chasing their dreams/going with their natural instinct work-wise, which is something I never did enough due to parental pressure. 

So we told both of them to do whatever they wanted after HSC - no pressure to become lawyers/doctors etc. Our eldest is a huge reader, so did an Arts degree majoring in English & Drama, then a Diploma of Publishing as she really wanted to work with authors/in editing.  She is now a Junior Editor for a major international publisher of childrens books & does a fair bit of graphic design work.  Paid peanuts, but you have to start somewhere.  Our youngest always wanted to work in sport/fitness/health and after an internship at the AOC while doing a Sports Mangt/Communications double degree, got offered part-time then full-time work there and is finishing her degree externally.  Also paid peanuts, but it is a great start, and she gets to travel the world to major sporting events.

Personality wise, they are like chalk & cheese, but both making their way in the world.

They both sound like amazing jobs. 

So long as it pays enouh to live, if you love your job, who cares!

What's money without happiness? !

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One of the things that's loved about the principal at our kids school.  She pushes to the parents to let the kids choose subjects that they want to do, not what you think they should do, and the kids will succeed in what they've chosen!  It's why a state school is outperforming most private schools in town.

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