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Relationship Advice

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ratdog    577

After separation from the wife and getting life and kids stable I've now found myself a really nice woman that seems to be a keeper.  

I have 2 kids aged 12 and 10 and she has none. She is 35, sane and really stable in life.

When I first met her I asked where she could see herself in 5 years. She said blah blah a couple of kids blah blah.  At this early stage of the relationship I thought that having more kids would be ok.    A bit of time has past since that first conversation and I have now decided that I don't want to go back to nappies and being a taxi for kids for another 10 or so years.  It was a hard decision for me to make as I thought to be a complete family again then a new partner would either have her own kids or we would have some together.

I knew I had to tell her my feelings and did this in a very difficult conversation.  I effectively told her i was walking away as i didn't/don't  want to be that guy from stopping her from having kids.  The unconditional love that kids bring is greater that the love I can give her.  She then went on to say she was willing to not have kids to be with me.  She wanted a month or so to think about it while she got to know me some more.

The relationship has been going really well and we havent spoken about the kids thing since that day.  

I really like this woman a lot and would like to be with her but the real question I have to try and answer is "Can I be that person to prevent her from having children?"  Even if she decides that she is willing to be with me and not have her own children, will I ever feel guilt free?  Am i being a prick?  Shall I walk away effectively taking that choice away from her?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated from the Tranny collective.

 

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Tyno    1,366
1 minute ago, ratdog said:

Am i being a prick?  Shall I walk away effectively taking that choice away from her?

I think you'd be more of a prick for walking away when she's said what she has.

Relationships are about give and take.

She's decided that you're worth giving up the idea of having kids for.

Don't give her a chance to change her mind or figure out you're not really worth it! 

 

Besides, you can always change your mind and get some old man dad tips from Ten Pints or Fat Pom :D

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goughy    2,147

I think you would be a prick if you were not having the questions within yourself about this: there are plenty of people who wouldn't.

As someone (someone's actually, since my wife was involved) who went through a lot of pain and heartache to have our kids, I can say it is a huge thing you are asking of her. Are you wrong to ask it.... No. You have to be true to yourself and to what you want out of life, and to not tell her how you truly feel would be wrong. But you absolutely, 100%, guaranteed, signed sealed and delivered, have to be sure that she can be happy foregoing having children of her own. Not just happy now, in the throngs of a new relationship with feelings going every which way. But happy still in 20 years when she has no chance, cause you don't want her looking back with resentment towards you for it. 

I disagree with you on your comment about the unconditional love of a child being greater than what you can offer. If I believed that too, I'd say give her a child, or let her go. They are different, but both as great in their own way.

I do not envy you you're decision (you're, as in the both of you). It's very open and trusting of you to share it with this community. I don't know if anyone here can truly help you with this. But at the least they will be here to support you how ever you need.

Edited by goughy
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FatPom    2,321

Mate, you’ll know if she’s worth it. You are pretty much exactly where I was when I met Mrs FP 15 yrs ago.  She was career orientated and studying for her degree part time but told me she wanted kids one day and I knew after an expensive and emotional divorce there was no way on earth I wanted kids again. I didn’t want the hassle, work and sure as hell had no idea had we’d even begin to afford it as I was still paying for the previous two.

 We talked about it, rowed about it, even broke up over it once (for 4 days) and in the end she said she was fine not having kids  (my kids were much much younger than yours when my marriage ended).  We carried on living life, moved to the UK and things were fine for a bit less than a year. It was then Mrs FP did a lot of stop/start contracting and lost the consistency she had working full time (mainly this due to economy).  This gave her more time to think and I knew kids were on her mind again but not like before.

 Fast fwd a bit and I broke my back. I spent the next 12-15mths in and out of hospital, on the floor, learning to walk again and eventually back to some semblance of mobility.  Mrs FP was a star through all this and the kids thing was never mentioned.  One night we were having dinner and I thought about all the things she’d done for me, supporting my racing, nursing me  to health for my back in the UK and my big accident in Sydney.  I wasn’t sure I could live with the guilt of looking at her when she was in her 60s knowing that I really didn’t step up and at least try to give her the thing she really wanted.

 In 2013 we took a NYE break to a hotel on the Dorset coast and went to a pub for dinner. I told her that I felt like I’d been given the gift of mobility back for a reason and we should try for a kid but I wanted a time limit of trying put on it.  She was over the moon and I knew she had been bottling this up for ages.  We decided on 6mths of trying but I negatively split and had her in club after two :whistling:

 So now, retirement plans are out the window, I drive a piece of shit Renault, have tedious conversations about schools, shoes and the Room on the effin’ Broom and I’m knackered all the time and worry about to give them both the life they deserve. It really sux some days…..

 

….except mostly it doesn’t. :wub:

DSC01588.JPG

Edited by FatPom
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IronmanFoz    664

Cam, I am guessing she has never been to a beer mile and seen you in you pale blue safari suit. If she has then she may be the one walking away ;)

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surfer101    193

RD youre a champion thinking of all the possibilities & bringing it up here is massive. Keep talking about it with your gorgeous gal & see where you go. Good luck x

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roxii    4,115

Rattie, best of luck with it all. 

The only thing I have to add to all this is that, she is shown that she is committed that you. You have been up front and that is both brave and admirable. If you too are committed to this relationship 100% then that is fine and the choice to forego kids is hers and you should not feel guilty. 

HOWEVER.... if you are not now or cannot 100% guarantee that you will be "in it for the long haul"  forsaking all others, till death do us part etc, etc then you need to be honest with yourself and her, because that would be a different story. 

 

 

 

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Ayto    347

Rattie,

I was 36 when I separated from my wife, had 2 kids aged 3 & 5, and not 6 months before separation had had a vasectomy as we had made the decision that we weren't going to have any more kids.

Post separation, I felt (and still do) a fair bit of bitterness towards my ex as she took away my options for more children by not telling me how she felt when i had my vasectomy (considering she advised me had been considering separation for 2 years!).

Fast forward and 3 years post separation I met my (now) wife. Unlike your scenario she had an older daughter (16 at the time) and, like you, we had many long conversations regarding children together.  She was for, I was against. Like you, I'm too old to go through all that again.

Ultimately, we have decided we are not going to have any more children.  The key to all of this was communication, communication, communication.

We had a few goes at this as we would come to a decision (no children) and then my wife would go through a process of reconsidering and we would communicate some more.  5 years down the track (married for 2) we are now firmly on the same page and know we will not have any children together.

My advise to you is that you need to be prepared to broach the subject a few times before a definative answer is agreed. As always, be respectful to your partner, consider all views and talk, talk, talk.

End of the day, if it's meant to be it will be, but if it's not that's ok as well....................as long as you have both had sensible, adult conversations and full transparency, you can both make informed, good decisions accordingly.

Good luck, and congratulations on your new relationship

Ayto

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TryTriB4Forty    640

Ratdog,

Just the fact that you are giving this so much thought, have discussed it openly and you are now seeking views of others as to the best way forward show that you are doing the right thing (in terms of looking for the right solution and not being a selfish dick). 

I can't really comment except to say that I can see the kids thing from both angles - on the one side, bloody hell its hard work!! On the other side .... I wouldn't have it any other way.

I guess there are really three decisions to be made:

  1. Are you sure about having no more kids?
  2. Is she sure that she wants kids and its a non-negotiable item?
  3. When you figure out 1 and 2, can your relationship move forward knowing those outcomes.

The only other thing to be said is that its really up to you two to work out, but I certainly wouldn't be wanting to 'leave her' in some type of effort to save her the grief or whatever.....

As Ayto said ..... maybe this is something that is going to take some time to work through..... with lots of discussion over a period of time.

 

(Also, you might decide you hate each other anyway in 6 months .... so the kids thing might be a bit superfluous ....)

 

Edited by TryTriB4Forty

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ratdog    577
6 hours ago, IronmanFoz said:

Cam, I am guessing she has never been to a beer mile and seen you in you pale blue safari suit. If she has then she may be the one walking away ;)

Im sure once she see's me adorning such classy clothing she will never want to run away.

6 hours ago, Tryline said:

What's the age difference rat Dog?

 

Im in my mid 30's (39) and she is in her late 30's (35).  39 and 35.

 

Thanks for the great responses guys.  It'll be interesting to hear from the ladies in the group to get a woman's perspective. 

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roxii    4,115
33 minutes ago, ratdog said:

Im in my mid 30's (39) and she is in her late 30's (35).  

 

:lol::lol::lol: 

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Pete    279

I'd go with the kids - you are not that old and you are in pretty good shape.  Hard work, yes, but could anything be more rewarding? :)

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surfer101    193
3 hours ago, Pete said:

I'd go with the kids - you are not that old and you are in pretty good shape.  Hard work, yes, but could anything be more rewarding? :)

Yes. A new bike ?

 

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trinube    1,108

Geez ratty, I was 45 when I had my youngest. I know shitty nappies are, well, pretty shitty, but they keep you young as well. A couple of years on and you'll be full of giddy, kiddy love again.

What Ayto said makes a lot of sense, as long as you're both communicating clearly you should be able to come to the right decisions. 

And FP, very cute mate, very, very cute.

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FatPom    2,321
10 minutes ago, ComfortablyNumb said:

Thank Christ she didn't inherit your leg colour Ian.

How do you keep that moonshine shade :lol:

The sun, she buurrrnzzz :lol:

 

Ironically, I'm getting tan envy from my riding mates since I came back from Mallorca.

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Prince    265

way way too much overthinking Ratdog.  relaxxxxx.  

 

just keep spending time with each other.   if the love grows and is strong, that is all that matters and it will always work out. 

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Go Easy    1,216

Some great advice there Ratty.  I agree that the fact that you care so much about doing the 'right' thing shows that you are deserving of a nice person in your life.  I can't advise you on the correct thing to do except to say to be honest and upfront and hope that your partner will do the same.  No matter what you decide it will be the best decision based on how you feel and what you know.

What I can tell you is that when my youngest had grown up I thought to myself 'thank god I don't have to deal with young toddlers and babies again'.  Then just over 12 months ago I became a Grandfather, and I can't get enough of it.  The feeding, the nappies, the lot!  I know it's not a full time gig, like it is when you're the parent, but it's so much easier now that I'm a bit older and more relaxed & experienced.  I know your girls are only young themselves but maybe have a little bit of a casual chat to them and see what they reckon.  You never know, their reaction might help you look at things from a different angle.

Failing all that, just trust that this lady can make a good decision herself - Although I must question her sanity in choosing to go out with you in the first place!  Somehow these things just always seem to work out for the best.  Good luck with it!

I'll also leave you with these words from Mark Twain (again)...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Edited by Go Easy
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FFF1077    146

Big decision Rattie 

 

You're a champion guy and a loving father. I personally think you would be great second time around, but everyone is different and you might have private reasons for not wanting kids besides the nappies issue..... And that's cool. 

But to love another person and compromise your ideal life for a slightly different picture is a beautiful gift to give someone. 

 

But, you have to be you. 

 

All the best. 

 

 

*just shows how awesome this site can be for someone to ask a question like this. Great stuff everyone. ????

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Cranky    897

Hey RD,

I think it really depends on her. I knew I wanted kids ever since I was 5. It was just something I was going to do. But I also know there are some women who couldn't care less. 

I think you need to ask her, if you didn't mind having more kids or not, would she want them? 

If she says no, then she's not giving them up for you. If she says she would want them, then she needs to be the one to make the decision. 

When Dazz and I first started talking kids, there was something he said one day that made me think he didn't really want them. I was devistated. But I would've stayed with him anyway. I also would've probably resented him later. 

I think you may need to make it very clear that she is not going to be able to change your mind later, and then it's up to her. Because if she's happy to stay with you and forgo kids, and you leave her, she may just end up with someone else who doesn't want kids and then she is in the same situation but still not with you. 

Does that all make sense? 

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The Customer    1,321

Never assume you understand how a woman feels about having children. The maternal instincts of a woman are immeasurable compared to how a man feels. In 10 years time if you are still together, the love you have for each other will be very different to what you are experiencing at this present moment - you are still in the honeymoon phase. At 45, there's a very good chance the woman will be asking herself why she let the chance to have a child slip away. Once it's gone for her, it's gone. Don't deny her just because it all feels too inconvenient right now for you.

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GSP    209

Hi Ratdog,

I've been in your situation twice, (once at 29 and next at 39) and both times I went with the kids option with 2 more each time.  The first time wasn't that hard as I was relatively young (although had been through wonderful and heartbreaking times WRT children) but then didn't give it too much second thought.  The second time was a lot harder given I'd had lots of kids already (plus I was already sliced me nice (The Customer would remember as less than a week later was wondering why I wasn't sitting on the saddle so much riding up Mt.Hotham).  

My thoughts were very much aligned to what Cranky and G Train would allude to how a partner may feel (Sidenote: guys can detect that, it's common sense).  Both times for me the undertone in the relationship was if not direct conversation - I'd like to have kids, but "meh".  So for me once that was obvious and wasn't hard to work out it was really no choice.  I could not live with myself knowing I potentially denied someone that opportunity for kids and also the impact on the relationship even though it was played down (and as G points out, it's probably short term thinking).  

So based on the limited information I can glean but sounds like the key points have been made, I'm in the camp of if you ain't into kids you probably should look to move on otherwise years down the track there is a reasonable probability it will come to surface causing problems.  The problem of course is it seems other than the rhino in the cupboard, the relationship is going along swimmingly and how do you walk away from that??  She obviously can't, you've had a shot so where do you go from there??

My thoughts - one of you have to be strong but my final comment is emotions are the hardest thing and often there is never a clear cut right or wrong answer but then who am I to advise given my opening sentence.

Good luck bud.

Cheers

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The Customer    1,321

Oh those Mt Hotham memories :D

One thing to add, there is always the chance she is waiting for you to change your mind but doesn't want to come across as demanding at this point in time. Maybe she's waiting for you to love her more, then you will agree to her suggestion.

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Cranky    897
8 hours ago, The Customer said:

Oh those Mt Hotham memories :D

One thing to add, there is always the chance she is waiting for you to change your mind but doesn't want to come across as demanding at this point in time. Maybe she's waiting for you to love her more, then you will agree to her suggestion.

This is very very very likely

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