Jump to content
nealo

The Mental Health thread

Mental Health  

303 members have voted

  1. 1. Do you suffer from a mental illness?

    • Yes
      97
    • No
      169
    • Maybe - yet to see a doctor about it
      39
  2. 2. Do you know someone who suffers a mental illness

    • Yes
      247
    • No
      31
    • Don't know but suspect they do
      27


Recommended Posts

32 minutes ago, KieranR said:

... We just seem to be living in the same house caring for our kids but not for each other and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it ...

I was with my wife for 20 years. She fell out of love with me and I didnt even know - I thought she was just taking her normal hard heartedness to a new level due to outside stresses. One night she never came home and I got weird text messages saying she was at a friends house. So I rang the friend and they were interstate. Turned out she was with another bloke. As soon as she was discovered, she moved out. The 3 boys and I have been on our own for 10 years now.

I would have done anything to save my marriage. I was never given a chance. You have a chance Kieran, you need to take it. Give her a hug, tell her you love her. Tell her you dont like fighting, you dont like the way you are drifting apart. Suggest going to see a marriage counsellor for some ideas. Its not a blame game, its about looking for a clear path forward for the two of you and for your kids. Dont keep going down this path mate because everyone is going to get badly hurt. Negotiate some counselling with her and make sure she knows its not an attempt to blame her for anything. Sometimes things can just slip away and its no-ones fault.

I feel for you mate. Ive been there. I know what you are going through. Make a massive effort and leave no stone unturned. The relationship can be fixed and become even stronger. 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kieran 

I agree with DD 

 

Marriage counselling is the best way to calmly sort it out and work through it. If you want to keep your relationship then you will need to work for it, but unfortunately for us blokes, not in a "fix it" way. It will take a change in approach to everything you do. 

 

I have been through a similar situation. I'm single now and have shared care of my daughter. I say similar but definitely not the same. 

 

In my opinion it takes a lot of humility and patience to get through it. If you want it(marriage) you'll need to get help from a third party. 

 

And hugging her and telling her that she is loved and pouring your heart out is a great idea DD. Often we take it for granted that the other side knows this, but it's nice to enforce it. 

 

Good luck. 

PM me if you want. 

 

Cheers mate, Sam 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And don't forget, marriage counseling isn't just for/about couples in trouble.  Couples go there for a "tune up" as well, or when stresses are in general affecting the family etc etc.  Don't necessarily think of it as a "stop my marriage from breaking down" service.  Think of it as a "help make my marriage complete" service.  If she's resistant, or you think she'll be, maybe try that approach.  It doesn't have to be because you feel things might be failing.  Think of it as about making it even more successful!

And if she won't go - go yourself anyway!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All good advice above mate. 

Sometimes we get so busy with "life" that the marriage goes on auto pilot. That can work for a while but is not a good long term strategy. 

Find some time to work on the marriage, find time to talk about stuff other than schedules,  who is cooking what for dinner, and whose turn it is to unpack the dishwasher. 

As mentioned above also, try not to play the blame game, as both of you will have different sides of the issues. Us the words "us" and "we" more than "you" and "me" when discussing any perceived issues. 

Most importantly GOOD LUCK 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks,

A bit more info, she has been seeing a Councillor for a very long time now (years), I have no idea what exactly it is about as she asked me not to ask her and i respect that, I believe it has something to do with her up bringing, she holds a huge grudge toward her father who was violent to her mother, deserted the family, she was brought up in housing commissioning on a single parent disability income - shes extremely angry about this, so i think her session are regarding that but in all likelihood they would have expanded into other things.  she's very fragile mentally i believe.

Has an explosive temper

Personally i couldn't think of not having her in my life, i love the girl, and i dont want to think about not having her in my life..i really dont.

We have a really stressful household with our son and what we deal with him on a daily basis in regards to his skin condition and every allergy under the sun that he seems to have.

She's doing uni but has huge self doubt and spits the dummy when its too hard and then my advice is taken as criticism when im actually trying to offer up help.

There is no other person involved - we are very very clear on that.

for me - I spoke to a Councillor (forced to by work) for a couple of months back in 2009 when i had an issue when working overseas and i threatened to push my supervisor off the top of a tank after he made a comment about my family and it did nothing for me at all, I still want to if i see him, so im very dubious about seeing those types of people because i have not had a positive experience with them before.

Im very conscious of keeping the family unit together, i want my kids to have mum and dad together and I do not want to entertain the thought of that not being the case.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Best wishes mate. 

 

With the Uni stuff and anything like that, it's often a guy default action to offer advice on how to "fix it". I have done it. Sometimes it is better just to listen and sympathise. 

 

Take it easy. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, KieranR said:

.......... I spoke to a Councillor (forced to by work) for a couple of months back in 2009 ......... and it did nothing for me at all,

OK, let's tackle this one a bit!  Personally, I have been in and out of counseling since in high school, so we're talking 30 years now.  I made the choice to go this time (currently) and it has been a world of difference - while I know I still need to go I actually look forward to it.  Pretty much every other time I've gone (half a dozen or more) has been at someone else's urging/insistence and I will tell you that I lied and said whatever I had to to get the experience over and done with!  God only knows where I'd be had I not done that that first time back in high school.  But quite simply, if you don't want to go then you won't get out of it what you need.  I would place a bet that that's what happened with you back then.

Even more so, you need to find a counselor who is the right fit for you!  Same as everything else.  Honestly, maybe before even bringing up the idea of couples counseling with your wife, see if you can find someone you'll trust and have some time with them first??  From my experience, and also my fathers, I can tell you that the right fit in counselor for you and your wife is as important as actually deciding to go!  And it might take a few different ones to end up with that person.  I think the one benefit you have in all this is that she's no stranger to the process, so that may make her more willing.  And maybe it is something she can bring up with her current therapist, they may even have a recommendation of someone to see.

You say you have a lot of stress around your home environment - who knows how much of that is adding to all of this?  My daughter is incredibly strong and well adjusted, yet our sons issues have caused her to have complete breakdowns in classes at school.  Even just going for yourself could give you a bit of a mind cleanse and maybe some clarity in a situation which has you clouded.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, goughy said:

OK, let's tackle this one a bit!  Personally, I have been in and out of counseling since in high school, so we're talking 30 years now.  I made the choice to go this time (currently) and it has been a world of difference - while I know I still need to go I actually look forward to it.  Pretty much every other time I've gone (half a dozen or more) has been at someone else's urging/insistence and I will tell you that I lied and said whatever I had to to get the experience over and done with!  God only knows where I'd be had I not done that that first time back in high school.  But quite simply, if you don't want to go then you won't get out of it what you need.  I would place a bet that that's what happened with you back then.

Even more so, you need to find a counselor who is the right fit for you!  Same as everything else.  Honestly, maybe before even bringing up the idea of couples counseling with your wife, see if you can find someone you'll trust and have some time with them first??  From my experience, and also my fathers, I can tell you that the right fit in counselor for you and your wife is as important as actually deciding to go!  And it might take a few different ones to end up with that person.  I think the one benefit you have in all this is that she's no stranger to the process, so that may make her more willing.  And maybe it is something she can bring up with her current therapist, they may even have a recommendation of someone to see.

You say you have a lot of stress around your home environment - who knows how much of that is adding to all of this?  My daughter is incredibly strong and well adjusted, yet our sons issues have caused her to have complete breakdowns in classes at school.  Even just going for yourself could give you a bit of a mind cleanse and maybe some clarity in a situation which has you clouded.

Quality advice here 👍

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kieran,

You could always just start with calling your company EAP. (Should be signs around the workplace) It should be a free call and give you an idea if you want to talk to anyone

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well shes not answering my phone calls.  might be a long drive down to Perth this weekend and then to Vietnam next week ;(

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, KieranR said:

***update***

we spoke at length to each other honestly at 2am yesterday after we finished packing for our holiday, she assures me that she still loves me and there are no immediate issues needed to resolve.  She’s admitted she’s dealing with some stuff privately between her and her councillor but as I thought these relate to her childhood, she opened up a bit about it.  These sessions have brought up a lot of stuff and she is dealing as best she can which is causing stresses and those are coming out in ways I described earlier.  We both admitted we could get a tune up (as goughy mentioned so have agreed to do that) but only when she is on top of the other stuff first, I don’t want to overload her.  Clearly she still thinks my moustache is seriously cool 😉

thanks for the messages and advice!  I appreciate them all

410BF299-6111-45A2-B118-67285D99E366.jpeg

 did the issues start when you started going running in Speedos...? Just saying.. 😁

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, pieman said:

 did the issues start when you started going running in Speedos...? Just saying.. 😁

Quite possibly! 😂 that’s what tipped her over the edge

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In all seriousness this is great news.

A bit like DD, I found out my marriage was over when it was too late, and given she had moved on and started again, there was no hope to resolve anything.

You have hope!! Enjoy the break, get some guidance when you get back and good luck!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have a great holiday - that can be a great destresser too.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So glad to hear your good news update.  Been thinking all weekend and hoping it was going better for you both. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sure I'm not the only one but I find Mother's Day increasingly painful.

  • Sad 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

****ing oath

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, trinube said:

I'm sure I'm not the only one but I find Mother's Day increasingly painful.

I've never liked it, nor did my mum.  Commercial opportunism gone crazy. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, trinube said:

I'm sure I'm not the only one but I find Mother's Day increasingly painful.

Yup....everywhere I looked yesterday it was mothers day related.....:-(

ended up staying home doing plenty of chores and stuff...:-)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate crass commercialism at the best of times but I more so hate being constantly reminded of what I've lost.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes mate, its a tough day, luckily for me yesterday we had plenty going on around the house so I was pretty distracted. 

But as my mum died and is buried in the UK, I cant just pop by for a visit, and also their Mothers day is not the same as ours so it pops up twice a year.  :sadwalk:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×