L-Plates at Port Macquarie: Ironman, with a Difference, Can you make a difference to some kids who really need it? Options

[Mank]

About 4 months ago, around about midnight, I was sitting in a rocking chair holding my newborn baby son, and giving some pretty serious thought to banging his head against the corner of a table.

If you get what I'm talking about, then you could be a parent. Or if you think that makes me a psychopath, then this might not be a story for you. It's not a story about me, either. It is about a parent – it's just not very nice.

Fear

There's lots of catchy adages out there about facing fear. You know – "a life lived in fear is a life half lived", and so on. I think most of them are bullshit, but then I'm a pessimist, not to mention just a little bit cowardly.

And what I get afraid about a lot these days is my kids. In fact, I said to my mother in law once that since I had my first child, there's been a constant niggling fear somewhere deep down that I just can't shake – seems I'm always worrying that my baby daughter might have something bad happen to her. I'll never forget how the mum-in-law laughed at me and said "gee… welcome to the rest of your life!". And that's how my life is – not that I'd have it any other way. I've just accepted that I love my kids desperately, so I also can't help but worry that something bad could happen to them.

It starts before they're born, too. If you're anything like I am, the minute you get the good news you're pregnant, there's already a thousand and one things to start worrying about. Everything from miscarriage, to deformity, to down syndrome, to car accidents, to birthing the next generation's Martin Bryant. Anything is possible, and while some of it you can test for, some of it you can't. And even if you can, well… what are you going to do?

Luke and Alison Whitcher didn't have to make any hard decisions on that front – actually, they had really good luck. They had a gorgeous little girl called Bella, then the good fortune to have a little boy next, called Josh. I know exactly how that feels – just the right number that you can hold onto both of them at the supermarket, a tiny bit of space between the car seats to fit some toys and stuff on the back seat, and just the right mixture to fit in ballet lessons yet still get brownie points by going to the footy. Life has a lot of challenges ahead, but there's an awful lot to look forward to.

Then about two years later, things took a slightly unexpected turn for the Whitchers. Things were going just fine for Bella, but Josh – who had had always seemed quite happy enough – didn't quite seem to be… getting it. For instance, his language wasn't coming along properly. Like any concerned parents, they took him to see a doctor, wondering if his hearing might be poor. The doctor sent them to a pediatrician, and the pediatrician had some bad news for them – news which kind of sucked.

Josh didn't have a hearing problem at all. He had autism.

Rain Man?

Remember that really cute movie with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman? Where Tom drags his idiot savant brother round Vegas, and they have some pretty heartwarming adventures? Well autism is pretty much not like that. Kids with autism don't interact very meaningfully with the world around them, they don't reason very well, and they get afraid, and they get angry, and sometimes they even get violent – often just through the sheer frustration of being unable to explain what they need.

And you can't force them to do anything, either. Lecture them, push them, or shout at them, and they'll retreat even further into their inner world; sometimes with damage done which is irretrievable. Some autistic kids manage a halfway normal life, and others struggle to even communicate – depending how severe their autism is.

Unfortunately, Josh's condition was diagnosed as moderate to severe.

Now when I first heard about Josh, it was in a pretty unusual context. As a dad with two young kids and a fledgling career as a hack triathlete, I often complain to myself about the competing demands of trying to train three different sporting disciplines while maintaining a professional job, wiping up poo, playing four million games of 'Ariel the Little Mermaid', being told that I'm "fat and poo-poo", and trying to keep some sort of sanity in my marriage. Sometimes I just don't get the time I need to train, or the amount of sleep I need to get up and go to swim squad in the morning. It's the kids!! They're loveable, but they're tiring, and they just take priority over everything.

So when I heard that Luke Whitcher was doing the Port Macquarie Ironman this year, I thought to myself… well, that sounds awfully bullshit to me, if he has a kid with severe autism. And the more I thought about it, frankly, the more completely bullshit it seemed. So I decided to do something I'd never done before – I got in touch with Luke, and I asked whether he would mind answering a few questions.

Turned out he didn't mind at all, and in fact I ended up learning a few things about triathlon, about life, and about what it really means to be a dad.

When the Wrecking Ball Comes

When he got the bad news about Joshie's autism, Luke didn't take it very well. "I was an emotional wreck," he says, "actually – I went to pieces. Meanwhile Allie was the one who stayed calm about it, and was able to plan what we needed to do." And at the epicenter of Luke's own personal earthquake was an enormous and crushing sense of failure. He had succeeded all of his life – at school, and at sport, and in his career – yet here he suddenly was, parent to a child who would struggle to have any real sort of chance at a life. It was a devastating feeling, with all Luke's great hopes for Joshie being destroyed in an instant. No little league, no gunning maths tests, no high school dance, no driving lessons, not much to look forward to but a life of dependence and difficulty. It seemed a wrecking ball had come smashing through his life.

But when it was done, Luke and Allie picked up the bits of their life, stuck them back together, and just went on with the job.

I suppose this makes sense – after all, what else can you do in the situation – but among the first things I wanted to know was whether the news forced Luke's life to change.

"That's a good way to put it," he says, "You know what? Yes. It forces you to grow up – and real fast. Thing is with guys, so many of us are like great big kids – even when we're adults, we're still kids. And I was the worst of them – you know, even now I don't criticise other guys who are childish; it's just how we are. But in my case, well all of that had just been smashed – the dreams of Joshie starring in the cricket, and so on."

It turned out that Alison was a guiding light for Luke during this time, and it helped that she knew a thing or two about adversity. At the age of 6 she had been run over by a cyclist, smashing her head against a gutter, and suffering a stroke. She has lived the whole of her life since then with a mild form of brain damage which causes recurring headaches and causes problems with her reading and short-term memory. Perhaps through this background, she was able to help Luke to see things in a more positive light.

"I guess that's the first thing you learn," he says. "You figure how to look at the positive side of things. I think a lot now about what Joshie can do – not what he can't."

Joshie Can… Make Trouble

Well that's a nice idea, but I have to say when I'm tired from training and work and my kids are running amok, I don't exactly have a heap of patience or much ability to look on the bright side. So I'm pretty interested to know what daily life is all about with an autistic kid, and what sort of positives you can see from where Luke and Allie are standing. And I soon find myself warming to Luke's attitude – turns out that he's not a bullshitter, nor planning to pull any punches.

"For example," says Luke "what Joshie is good at is drawing and painting – he's quite artistic. But if he doesn't have any paper, then he'll draw on the wall instead. He's not being naughty, it's just how he expresses himself. So we let him, and he draws and paints all over the walls." As he talks, I'm thinking about how mad I was when my niece drew crayon on my flatscreen last year, and shudder to think what Luke's TV might look like.

But Luke has a pretty simple message: "You don't fight the battles you can't win. Look, if we can grab him before he poos in his room, that's great, but meantime, well, we're not going to worry about him drawing on the wall."

Luke seems pretty phlegmatic about all this for a guy who is locked in what you might consider to be a living nightmare. So I continue to question – for instance, doesn't it wreak havoc on the rest of the family, or his relationship with Allie? How on earth do they function?

Luke isn't shy about the issues. "80% of marriages in this situation fail," he says bluntly. "We're lucky in that we both have supportive parents – that makes a huge difference. But also you have to make some practical decisions that other people wouldn't understand who aren't in your situation."

Child Abuse is the Answer?

At first glance, it seems that some of the practical solutions are a little off-the-wall. For example, Joshie used to have a lot of trouble getting to sleep – and so he was constantly exhausted, and nobody else in the house got to sleep either. Solution: they put a lock on the bedroom door, and locked him in for the night.

Now you wouldn't have to look too far to find a well-meaning psychologist or an Average Joe who reckons this amounts to child abuse. But it worked – and it worked very, very well. Each night, Joshie went into his room, loaded up with all the things he liked best to play with, and there he stayed. Sometimes he would rage against it, and sometimes he would play in there for hours, but a routine was established, and the family was able to get the one vital thing they needed – some precious sleep.

I was pretty interested in abuse issues, too – I mean, I regularly get wound up to the point of wanting to throttle my kids; especially my gorgeous daughter, who in addition to being the light of my life, is smart enough to test the boundaries beyond all endurance when she can see that I'm starting to get irritated. As I mentioned at the outset, once you get tired enough as a parent, there's a pretty fine line sometimes between loving nurture and all-out infanticide. So how the hell does a normal red-blooded Aussie male manage an autistic kid and not simply explode?

"You can't," he says, "I know exactly what you mean – but you just have to grow up in a hurry. We can't afford not to be there for him, and getting angry just makes it that much worse. Sure it's hard. And it's tiring, and it can get really depressing too. The worst thing for me is when Allie gets down about it; she's such a support to me, that I find that hardest of all. But you have to remember that if you lose it… well where would the kids be then?"

The Open Road

Turns out there was a different outlet in store for Luke. A keen cricketer in the David Boon mould, he'd managed to get through a good two decades of sport yet end up sporting an ample stomach and a nicotine addiction – neither of which was particularly helpful in the stressful situation he'd found himself.

"I put on a lot of weight and was a smoker till I finally kicked the habit in 2005," he says. "One of the anti-smoker adds hit the spot when I saw it on Father's Day that year. And the next year on Father's Day 2006, I decided to lose weight rapidly. I lost 25kgs in a 3 month period, through diet and lots of running."

That paved the way for a great deal more – including the perverse joy of being smashed (literally) on a monthly basis playing fullback in the master's rugby league. "It's a release, for sure," says Luke, "it's sort of odd, but carrying that ball back into play and being crunched by these huge Samoans was exhilarating." He pauses and laughs. "Anyway – none of them ever hit me as hard as Joshie once did when I wasn't looking!"

Then a good friend suggested Luke get into triathlon, and it appealed to him in a slightly different way than Rugby League. He explained this to me in a recent email:

"I fell in love with triathlon due to the participation rather than the winning culture – the comradery and team spirit were infectious. Everyone was cheered across the line. And when Flanman gave me '25 years of Kona' to watch, I openly sobbed when I watched Dick and Rick Hoyt crossing the line. That was the moment I knew I'd found something special – a sport that was about a journey, rather than victory over others, a sport where everyone who crossed the line was a winner. And it was at that moment I envisaged the quest to turn my own grim situation into a positive for kids like Josh, and maybe dabble in a bit of pain to gain support and grow awareness for autism."

I thought about this, then dialled up the video of Dick and Rick on my YouTube favourites. After I'd finished having a cry, it occurred to me that Rick Hoyt has succeeded in earning a college degree and gainful employment despite his cerebral palsy, whereas Joshie might also have something he'd really like to communicate or achieve, but unfortunately we might never know what it is. So I asked Luke about that, too. Is it hard, I said, to miss out on that feedback loop? Those heartbreaking moments where your kid gives you a big hug and says "I love you Dad", right out of the blue?

"Yes it is," says Luke, "but then again, you come to appreciate the little things that much more. For example, just once in a while, he says 'Daddy'."

Training Time

I have a lot of questions for Luke about training, too. I mean where the hell does a parent with a job and an autistic kid cram in the training needed for Ironman? And Luke isn't cheating either – right now he's out there cramming 15 hours of swim, ride and run into his weeks; far more than I can claim. It turns out there are three main factors that help Luke achieve this.

First, he sleeps like a log. "I don't toss and turn – when I hit the pillow, I'm out," he says "and I get by on 5 or 6 hours. I'm lucky like that."

Second, Joshie gets some sleep these days too – I'm surprised to learn than once Josh is asleep, they often won't see him again until 9am the next morning. And I know that nothing helps a parent so much as that glorious time when the kids are finally asleep for good.

Last, Luke has a supportive wife, something which is of great interest to me given our similar family size. I am always careful to make sure my own selfish sporting dreams don't leave my wife stuck in the house with two kids the whole time. So how does Allie cope with Luke's regime, when Joshie is such a handful to begin with?

"Well, it's about priorities," he says, "and to us, raising awareness of Joshie's condition is very important, so the time I spend training is worth it – for both of us."

In fact, when Luke's campaign to complete the Ironman ran into difficulties, it was Allie that proved the driving force. Luke explains: "I worked all of the 2008 winter towards trying the Canberra Half Ironman. I had a good warm-up at the Nepean Tri in November 2008, but I failed in Canberra – my problem was a fear of open water swimming, and in the terrible conditions that day, I panicked, got severe cramping in my legs after only about 400m, and had to pull out altogether."

"But there was something Allie said to me after Canberra," says Luke. "She said 'Don't you dare give up now. This is too important.'"

The cramps came back to haunt him at the Port Macquarie Half Ironman in 2009. He started cramping 300m from the end of the swim, struggled badly on the bike, and after 3km of running, he couldn't run anymore. But with Allie's words ringing in his ears, Luke wasn't about to quit. So he ended up walking 18 kilometers to the finish line, eventually making the cutoff by a mere 9 minutes.

Port Macquarie, and the SES School

On 28^th March this year, Luke Whitcher will be lining up with all the other age groupers at Port Macquarie, and like many others, he'll just be hoping to get round the course in a reasonable time. "I'd like to be out on the run leg with 7 or 8 hours remaining," he says, "but in the end, I just want to get to that finish line".

What is the point of all this struggle? Well apart from the obvious euphoria and satisfaction of completing a long course event, Luke's mission is to give something back to the school that Joshie attends.

It's a sobering experience to delve into some details of school funding with Luke. For example, while politics is not really a big part of this story, I can't help wondering afterwards why our government is buying up computers for elite private schools, when Joshie's school in Sydney still has no airconditioning. (Probably slightly frustrating for the Whitchers, given they know that hot weather is a particular trigger for Joshie's more problematic behaviour).

But what Luke is particularly intent upon is trying to raise funds so the school can complete a "sensory room" – an indoor / outdoor decking area with spinning decorations, specially designed writing boards, and computers designed for autistic kids. These cost a good $25,000 to build – money which the school simply doesn't have.

I'm curious whether this will really help Joshie as such, but Luke has his eyes on the bigger picture. "To me it's about creating an asset," he says, "and it will still be there for other kids and parents, a long time after Joshie has left the school."

Distant Days

It's an interesting experience talking to Luke Whitcher. Here's a guy facing into what any sane person would consider an absolute nightmare, and he is not only doing it with calm and dignity, but is finding the time to reach out and help other families going through the same thing.

And he's not remotely deluded about the situation. With a great deal of hesitation, I push Luke into what I think might be some seriously murky waters. "When you're gone," I start asking… and then find that it's not all that easy to actually finish the question. Luke is not fazed, but he admits that he doesn't really know the answer to this one. It's not likely Joshie will have a family to support him in his older years, unless his sister takes up that burden. And there's homes for those with autism, but it's problematic if the person won't stay there… and Joshie is already proving quite a fine escape artist.

But again Luke shows his ability to look at the positives. "Part of what's so great about triathlon," he says, "is well, if you wanted to get fit in a hurry…". He doesn't need to finish the statement – having gone from a man-breasted slob to an olympic distance finisher in 15 months, I can vouch for the process myself. But I also get where he's going in the broader sense.

"You'll be around that much longer to care for him," I conclude, and I can sense Luke nodding down the phone. It's a strange moment. The two of us, with our identical families but galactically different lives, have come round in the end to find ourselves standing together on the same little patch of dirt. It's just for a moment, but it seems to me to be a pretty good place, a place where we can understand each other just a little bit, and be better human beings for the experience.

And then I hang up the phone and go back to my perfect life… and Luke goes back to his.

There's No Surprise Ending

If you're still reading this by this point, you'll have noticed my signature, and let's face it – you probably won't have embarked on the read in the first place without being aware of Luke's fundraising campaign.

So I just want to make a few basic points.

Luke set out to raise $20,000 to build the sensory room. Not for himself, not for Allie, and not even really for Joshie. Luke wanted to give something back to the tireless staff at Aspect's South Eastern Suburbs School, and try to make a difference, so that other kids and families in the same horrific situation as the Whitchers might have just a slightly better daily existence.

I personally will be there on March 28^th this year, when Luke comes plodding out of the darkness and into the finishing chute – and whether he is running or walking or crawling, I will be cheering him on, in awe of what he has had to go through to get to that point.

I have a much smaller dream than Luke this year. Mine is simply that someone reading this post will consider the situation, and consider Luke and Allie's courage under fire, and think that maybe this campaign would be something worth being a part of.

Thanks for reading.

https://www.gofundraise.com.au/FRPView.aspx?fid=58641

[powdo]

Nice work Mank.Donated on line Cheers Powdo

[lacc]

Very eloquent. You've got me donating too. Happy to contribute to both Luke's dream and yours (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Ayto27]

Jesus Mank.....

I managed to get through your post OK, but once I clicked on the link and read the words from Luke, it had me reaching for the tissues.

Thanks for making us all aware of Josh and his family and I, for one, will be in Port this year cheering on all my mates, but also saving a heap of cheers for Luke.

Look forward to catching up with both of you in Port. In the meantime I have chucked a few bucks his way

Cheers
Ayto

[Nashy]

Good on you Mank...

I am happy to do up a $200.00 IM Medal Frame, Photos & Race Bib for the 1st Trannie to post a reply to this offer indicating they would like to accept.

What is the catch?

You don't pay NashysPix - Photography & Framing anything - the $200.00 is to be donated to this cause. That way you get something and you are contributing to a very worthy venture as well...

The Trannie wishing to take up this offer can see examples of frames at nashyspix.com

Mank - I hope everyone else gets behind this and I challenge others who have goods to offer to follow my lead.

Regards

Darrell Nash

NashysPix - Photography & Framing
Port Macquarie

[fezza]

far out...


life (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[L-Plates]

Thanks so much Mank, and thanks to all of you for your support - it is overwhelming and my wife teared up once she saw all of this (as did I).

As per Mank's advice, I won't be posting much more till after the race when I do the obligatory race report. I'll be training hard instead to make sure I don't let anyone down.

Will be going to Huskisson Longcourse as a solid hit-out to test my new cramp reduction strategies - if anyone is going down there, would love to catch up.

Cheers

Luke

[Cain]

Thanks Mank, must admit that when I scrolled down and saw how long your post was I considered not bothering, only have my lunch break to read.
So glad I did continue though, what inspirational people Luke and Allie are.
Its helped me see that a few issues going on in my life at the moment are fairly ordinary, need to HTFU.

Luke, hope everything goes well for you in Port and with your fundraiser
stay strong

[Mank]

Thanks very much to all the people who are getting involved here (and behind the scenes).

nb. Cain, chuckles at this end... it did worry me that this might end up being 'diarrhea of the keyboard' - but the scary thing is, I could've written three times as much and every bit of it would still be more important than 95% of the crap which fills most of our days.

One of the more interesting subjects I discussed with Luke was exactly that 'HTFU' concept that gets bandied around a lot on this forum. We weren't talking about it in the macho sense of your capacity to suffer physical pain - but rather, in the sense of whether as a human being you possess a steel core, or not. I sense from your post that you already know what I mean.

[workinglikeadog]

wow what a post , what a story.

Luke come train with me anytime. Inspiring.

[MountainMan]

Very nice work Mank.

[KTJ]

Puts life into perspective! Welldone Mank for bringing Luke's journey to the wider community attention and kudos to you Luke for making your Ironman Journey have true purpose. I hope you achieve your dreams and I hope one day I can be as beautiful, caring and understanding to my children as you are to yours. See you at Port.

[wetspot]

Good on you Mank...

I am happy to do up a $200.00 IM Medal Frame, Photos & Race Bib for the 1st Trannie to post a reply to this offer indicating they would like to accept.

What is the catch?

Good offer Nashy. I'll kick in the $200.

My catch is that you give the Frame etc to Luke. He'll have really earned it, and might like a nice memento of his efforts (and it sounds like it will make a nice canvas for Josh's artistic skills).

Very classy by you, too, Mank.

[L-Plates]

Thanks so much Wetspot, but the condition on that is that we get a picture of all of us from Trannies who make it to Port and use that for the frame - that way I can never forget what all of you're support means to our familyand Josh's school.

WorkingLikeADog - would love to catch up for training, as long as you don't mind a clydesdale pace.

[wetspot]

Thanks so much Wetspot, but the condition on that is that we get a picture of all of us from Trannies who make it to Port and use that for the frame - that way I can never forget what all of you're support means to our familyand Josh's school.

How handsome will that be? Straight to the pool room for sure.
Sounds good. Looking forward to meeting you.
Train safe.

[Nashy]

Good on you Wetspot. Its a done deal.

My business is Photography & Framing so I will be happy to do the group shot for you.

I will "up the Frame" as well to make it extra special... Have a look at my website and select ANY frame you wish.

Let me know when you get to Port and we can sus out the details of the photo.

Regards

Nashy
NashysPix - Photography & Framing
nashyspix.com.au
0418 213 866

[workinglikeadog]

Thanks so much Wetspot, but the condition on that is that we get a picture of all of us from Trannies who make it to Port and use that for the frame - that way I can never forget what all of you're support means to our familyand Josh's school.

WorkingLikeADog - would love to catch up for training, as long as you don't mind a clydesdale pace.

PM sent - It can be done (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[tri_mel]

Wow Mank.
That's incredible.
Good luck Luke. Can't wait to cheer you over the line at Port too!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Tomsey]

Thanks so much Wetspot, but the condition on that is that we get a picture of all of us from Trannies who make it to Port and use that for the frame - that way I can never forget what all of you're support means to our familyand Josh's school.

WorkingLikeADog - would love to catch up for training, as long as you don't mind a clydesdale pace.

Trannie swim Friday morning at swim entry point. $$ donation to participate in swim and feature in photo, should make a few bucks I would think.

[shortlegs]

Wow, this is truly inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
Good luck, Luke. See you out there at Port.

[sunnygirl]

Trannie swim Friday morning at swim entry point. $$ donation to participate in swim and feature in photo, should make a few bucks I would think.

Great idea!
See you there (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

and good luck Luke- I will be there also cheering you on!

[Mank]

Quick 'grats to our main man... he's keeping it quiet, but just busted out a 6'06" at Husky on the weekend. Looking slim and strong.

Must have those cramping issues sorted!

Well done Luke, keep it coming.

[workinglikeadog]

Luke - congrats on your finish, you and your family should be so very proud of each other and your athletic achiements this summer.

Please write up a race report, i'd think we could all take a thing or two away from your experience.

[Ayto27]

Luke - congrats on your finish, you and your family should be so very proud of each other and your athletic achiements this summer.

Please write up a race report, i'd think we could all take a thing or two away from your experience.

Yeah, Good on ya Luke. An awesome effort out there on race day and I made a point of trying to get around the course to keep an eye on you. Was a long tough day for you, but mate, you toughed it out all day. Awesome work!!

Look forward to your race report in due course.

Cheers mate

Ayto

[L-Plates]

Apologies for delay guys, Allie was a bit crook when we got back so been on Josh duty which has been a bit challenging due to soreness from Sunday.

I assume I'm meant to do a race report on the 'Race Report' section so will now head off to there.

Thanks so much everyone for the support and encouragement - it really helped immensely. Particular thanks to Mank, Ayto, A-Zed, Flanman and all those who were yelling at me at MFD. Really appreciated your extra help and it made a difference.

Anyway, off to the report page.

Cheers

Luke