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The Mental Health thread

Mental Health  

299 members have voted

  1. 1. Do you suffer from a mental illness?

    • Yes
      97
    • No
      165
    • Maybe - yet to see a doctor about it
      39
  2. 2. Do you know someone who suffers a mental illness

    • Yes
      243
    • No
      31
    • Don't know but suspect they do
      27


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KieranR    105

Don't give up on your kids Ayto, write them birthday cards, send them letters etc, keep telling them you love them, it appears there is some coercing going on from the mothers side.  your ex probably wont give them to them, but you will always know that you never did give up and when they are older i certainly hope they understand you never gave up and you can have some sort of relationship with your kids without their mothers influence.

My wifes dad gave up on her when she was a lot younger than your kids are and its had a profound effect on her, she is never in a good place with how things are with her father.

Full credit to Belinda here to mate, she sounds amazing, and i hope she keeps pushing you to keep fighting.

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Turts    1,926
5 hours ago, Ayto said:

 

I have attempted to speak with both children over the phone. My daughter (13) simply wasn't interested and telling me "refer to the message, it's all there" and my son (11), when I asked when I would see them next told me "when I get rid of Belinda".

Are you kidding me?

I don't know what has happened, what has been said or how they have been influenced to end up in this position, but something has happened. My ex refuses to communicate with me to advise anything (piss poor). Not even the guts to contact me to say a word.

..........

My daughter birthday was yesterday. She was supposed to spend time (as allowed for in the orders) with us which obviously didn't happen. I didn't contact her at all. I won't be contacting my son next week either.

 

Don't give up on your kids mate.  I know it's easy to say from afar, and I don't know what you're going through.  But they sound like theyre young enough that what they're saying isn't necessarily what they think-  they are pretty heavily influenced by their mother.

 

If you give up on them, when they get older they will remember that, and you'll be the bad guy.  I'd try and keeps the effort up so that at least the door is open for the kids to contact you if/when they decide so without you haveing burnt those bridges. 

 

Good luke mate.  Sounds pretty sucky. 

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Naut    488

This is heartbreaking Ayto and I think your reaction is completely understandable.

Fingers crossed that with a little time you can find the strength to keep working to maintain whatever bond is possible with your kids.

Can't think of much else to say except that this truly, deeply and absolutely sucks.

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FFF1077    140

Ayto 

I am in a similar situation. Definitely not the same, but separated with a kid. I feel physically sick reading this. Take care of yourself and your wife. 

 

You are a bloody champion, and so is Belinda. I agree with what some have said, keep sending cards and letters, even if you are the one benefiting from it. Like others have said, ONE DAY, your kids will appreciate it and realise the epic amount of love you have for them. 

 

Be kind to yourself and take care mate. 

 

Sam 

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Ayto    336

Thanks for all the responses guys. This is an awesome place to be able to vent without judgement.

I hear what everyone is saying. I know that if I just let them go it will be next to impossible to re-build a relationship with them and it will be seen as me giving up on them, being the bad guy.

But you know what, I already am the bad guy. Simply because I have remarried (and I'm happy) whilst poor mum is stuck on her own.

Doesn't matter that she ended our marriage to be with someone else, she has managed to convince the kids and everyone else (and I'm sure, herself) otherwise.

I can't win because I have chosen to (eventually) move on and be happy. 

I have done all the letters, presents, phone calls, texts, birthday cards etc last time I was alienated. It did squat because we are back where we started.

I know they are being unduly influenced, however both are very, very smart kids and they know and understand the consequences of what they have said and their behaviour. I have been very mindful of communicating with them directly as well as via family counselling around what we need to do to keep this family strong, what my expectations are around behaviour, and the importance of communication.

I don't know what else to do. Nothing works because we have such a bitter, spiteful influence sitting on the other side working to undo any of my efforts of having a decent relationship with my kids.

At this point, I'm too tired emotionally, and too sick of throwing good money after bad, to go in and fight again like I have for the last 5 or 6 years. I'm spent.

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FFF1077    140

Maybe just writing the letters and cards and not posting them will help you? 

 

I know that I have done that with an email address for my daughter. I email her once a fortnight with some thoughts on what is happening in our lives at that time and a couple of pictures of stuff. Her mum makes enough money to put a fair whack away for her, I can't do that, so I am paying by way of love and the tears I shed writing the emails to her. 

And I have constant contact with her, besides a weekend off every two weeks. I really couldn't imagine what you are feeling Ayto 🙁🙁🙁👍

I will give her the password and address after she's 21. 

 

Just a thought mate 👍

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zed    738
20 hours ago, Ayto said:

 

At this point, I'm too tired emotionally, and too sick of throwing good money after bad, to go in and fight again like I have for the last 5 or 6 years. I'm spent.

It's probably easy for people to say "carry on fighting for your kids" but I can imagine how emotionally taxing it must be. I'd be tempted to throw in the towel too. Send them xmas cards, birthday cards and wait for them to come around. It might not be until they're 18, which is very sad, but trying to maintain a relationship with your kids sounds futile as long as they are having their heads filled with crap by their Mum. 

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roxii    3,944

I reckon FFF's idea is a great one re the email account. 

That way if at anytime they do come around and ask why you "stopped caring" or "stopped loving them" or whatever else they are being led to believe you can show them a verified timeline of your feelings towards them. 

Might also be good therapy. 

Either way only you can decide what is best for you, all I cN offer is best wishes mate. 

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trinube    1,030

Steve, I feel for you mate. Can't really offer anything except maybe get a session with a child phycologist and see if they can give you any direction on how best to approach things. My daughter (now 18) has her moments and she was quite difficult when she was around the age you're describing. It's turbulent times and the whole divorce/bitter ex/re-marry thing must only add to it.

Above all, take the higher ground. Continue being nice, sending cards etc even if you don't get any acknowledgement. Parenting is about unconditional love and as much as they might seem bitter and twisted now, I'm sure they'll have a deep down reassurance that you didn't give up on them and sooner or later they'll realise that, no matter what happens, you are their dad.

Little consolation now but I'd be very surprised if they don't come around as they mature.

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nealo    1,275

I haven't written anything because when I read your post Ayto my heart ached. 

 

Thankfully there have been some great advice from others above.

 

I get that right now you're "spent", both physically and financially. Take some time, try your best to give yourself a break from the emotion you've invested in this battle. But in 3 months, 6 months, 11 months (not 12 because their Birthdays will have past) revisit this thread and reread some of the words written. Look back on your Facebook photo's of the trips you've had with them, the good times and ask yourself again am I still willing to give up.

My advice is never make a final black and white decision when it comes to your kids.

Good luck.

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Ayto    336

Thanks for all the responses to date guys.

Appreciate the thoughts and sentiments.

It all just keeps getting better. My work car got knocked off out of our driveway sometime between 7am and 1pm today. Yep, broad daylight!!

Anyways.......

I've had the chance to sit back and have a think. At this stage I am just letting the whole situation settle down and see what happens. I'm not sure of the next steps but it will all form up in due course I'm sure. 

In the meantime Bel and I intend to keep doing the things we had planned already and will be heading away for both Easter and the extended Anzac weekend as we both have the Monday off.

Thanks again. Appreciate everyone's thoughts

Ayto

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Dalai    127

Nice Easy Go. really do think it is important to look out for others.

I have an older couple next door I watch out for. Already help changing light globes etc. Have also received a few calls when the older gentleman has fallen over and can't get off the floor - learn't the hard way the first time to lift with the legs!

Last week heard the ambulance during the night - got a call from the gentleman before I'd left for work the next morning asking a huge favour... His wife had passed out during the night and crawled into the kitchen to try and get herself up but couldn't. Was found by her husband a little later but not before she had voided her bowels which was still all over the kitchen floor...

She is still in hospital (infected toe was amputated!) and he has sensibly booked himself in to a respite home nearby till she if well enough to come home.

 

 

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KieranR    105

Check up on your friends and family, work colleagues, open the discussion up at work, at home, anywhere anytime, I lost a former colleague yesterday who decided to take his life.  We knew he suffered, we tried to talk, he never wanted to, maybe we didn't try hard enough with him, maybe we did.  will never know why, he will never get to meet his unborn child.

Devastated.

*as a side point, i have been here in my new job for 6 months and I've not once heard anything about mental health and well being, I opened the discussion in our prestart today*

Please Never ever think you are alone

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Ex-Hasbeen    3,753
58 minutes ago, KieranR said:

*as a side point, i have been here in my new job for 6 months and I've not once heard anything about mental health and well being, I opened the discussion in our prestart today*

Please Never ever think you are alone

One of the good points of working with a very large company is that they seem to take these things seriously. Whether it's because of liability, or maybe they really do care about us, the result is the same. It is brought up every couple of months as mandatory actions for the team managers, there is a very good online & phone up service offered, and they put an effort into doing the right thing. 

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surfer101    173
1 hour ago, KieranR said:

Check up on your friends and family, work colleagues, open the discussion up at work, at home, anywhere anytime, I lost a former colleague yesterday who decided to take his life.  We knew he suffered, we tried to talk, he never wanted to, maybe we didn't try hard enough with him, maybe we did.  will never know why, he will never get to meet his unborn child.

Devastated.

*as a side point, i have been here in my new job for 6 months and I've not once heard anything about mental health and well being, I opened the discussion in our prestart today*

Please Never ever think you are alone

So sorry to hear this KR - be sure to look after yourself as well while you get your head around whats happened x

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Cottoneyes    738
11 minutes ago, Ex-Hasbeen said:

One of the good points of working with a very large company is that they seem to take these things seriously. 

Not all large companies, my last job was with one of the very big global ones, very well known brand (around no 1 in their category) and it really was "throw everyone against a wall and the strong will survive" mentality.  I'm happy to leave roles in companies like that to others now.  Stress and the like creeps up on you and like a frog in a boiling pot you really don't see it in yourself until you are already at breaking point - so if you see it in others you work alongside, start preparing an exit plan just in case and listen to those who know you outside of work - they will see it first.  And look out for those you work with as well

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BigRig    79
1 hour ago, KieranR said:

Check up on your friends and family, work colleagues, open the discussion up at work, at home, anywhere anytime, I lost a former colleague yesterday who decided to take his life.  We knew he suffered, we tried to talk, he never wanted to, maybe we didn't try hard enough with him, maybe we did.  will never know why, he will never get to meet his unborn child.

Devastated.

*as a side point, i have been here in my new job for 6 months and I've not once heard anything about mental health and well being, I opened the discussion in our prestart today*

Please Never ever think you are alone

Awful news KR Those he has left behind suffer too. Very sad all round. A lot of large organisations now offer external assistance to employees and spouses in the area of mental health. I have used it myself. My last job I had half a dozen of my staff open up about their mental issues, and I was always checking in on them on a regular basis to see if they were okay. One day I had someone take their own life, who hadn't made me aware and wasn't on my radar. It was gutting for everyone concerned.

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KieranR    105
7 hours ago, Ex-Hasbeen said:

One of the good points of working with a very large company is that they seem to take these things seriously. Whether it's because of liability, or maybe they really do care about us, the result is the same. It is brought up every couple of months as mandatory actions for the team managers, there is a very good online & phone up service offered, and they put an effort into doing the right thing. 

Having it as a mandatory requirement is a great idea, I've worked with very large international engineering and construction companies my whole career to date and it has always been on the radar however not as a requirement.

6 hours ago, surfer101 said:

So sorry to hear this KR - be sure to look after yourself as well while you get your head around whats happened x

Thankyou, will certainly do that.

6 hours ago, Cottoneyes said:

Not all large companies, my last job was with one of the very big global ones, very well known brand (around no 1 in their category) and it really was "throw everyone against a wall and the strong will survive" mentality.  I'm happy to leave roles in companies like that to others now.  Stress and the like creeps up on you and like a frog in a boiling pot you really don't see it in yourself until you are already at breaking point - so if you see it in others you work alongside, start preparing an exit plan just in case and listen to those who know you outside of work - they will see it first.  And look out for those you work with as well

Very dissapointing to hear your work was like that, thats a really ignorant attitude by them.  It's true that others will always notice first, I totally agree

6 hours ago, BigRig said:

Awful news KR Those he has left behind suffer too. Very sad all round. A lot of large organisations now offer external assistance to employees and spouses in the area of mental health. I have used it myself. My last job I had half a dozen of my staff open up about their mental issues, and I was always checking in on them on a regular basis to see if they were okay. One day I had someone take their own life, who hadn't made me aware and wasn't on my radar. It was gutting for everyone concerned.

yes the impact on those close can be severe thats for sure, this is the 3rd time I've had a friend or work colleague take their life, its absolutely horrendous to think that tehy are suffering that much that they think this is the only way out of it, i seriously wish they would have just called me, i would have been their absolutely as soon as i can.  All my companies have also offered an EAP service offering Councillors etc, I have used them plenty of times over the years.  ell done for keeping in the loop with your employees well being, such a shame the one who took their life didn't.

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goughy    1,968

I didn't think this belonged in the TV thread.  But there's a show on Netflix I've known was coming out for a long time now, and have wanted to watch, called 13 Reasons Why.  It seems to be causing a lot of controversy at the moment, but it's also started a discussion in the media which I think we need to see more of.  Headspace (a fantastic organisation) has had some to say about it, and I was just watching an interview with some Dr dude on Today who seemed to think it's a risky show.  He was saying apart from showing a graphic rape scene, and very graphic suicide scene (he called it a 'road map' for kids to commit suicide), he said the show is not depicting any of the help that is out there, no counseling, etc etc that is available.

I'm wondering is the show just being completely realistic in what often happens often still these days?  Is it wrong of it to show none of the assistance that is available, or is it just showing what very often may be the case - that people don't see what is happening until it is too late?  Over the last week or two there has been a fair bit of media aobut this show, so in a way has it done what it wanted - and made teen suicide a topic, rather than something that's a whisper?

I mean, my wife and I just spent 10mins discussing this at our hairdressers - she didn't know the show but felt maybe it was a bit irresponsible if what the organisations like headspace are saying.  But I said to her - it's getting people talking, we've just spent 10 mins talking about it!  And she agreed, while her work has fantastic systems in place with regards to counseling and assistance, she knows of many that don't.

I know it's a horrible topic for people to talk about, and I know that the media tries to keep it out of the headlines, and when it's unavoidable they still don't ever mention the word and at best have a postscript to the story saying if you are having trouble call lifeline etc.  But is it time for us to man up, accept that this is a real problem and as long as we keep sticking our heads into the sand when this comes up it will stay a problem.

It wasn't that long ago that I remember a footballer dying, and then suddenly the stories have disappeared and again what exactly happened is kept out of the news.

I know we are doing a great job here - I'm not questioning us - but more so the media, the general public, the politicians.  Is it time for suicide to not be a dirty word.  I might add, Headspace have reported a significant increase of calls with regards to 13 Reasons Why - and maybe that's a good thing!

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trinube    1,030

On a similar slant, this week's ABC show 'You can't ask that' was about suicide 'survivors'. It was confronting to watch and I was surprised by some of the responses, but definitely worth a look on iView if you missed it.

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Rocket Salad    1,055

Mate from work didn't show for his shift yesterday. Sent someone around to check. Police & Ambos were there. He was 45. :(

 

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goughy    1,968

Shit mate :(

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Toolish    159
On 4/12/2017 at 11:21 AM, Cottoneyes said:

Stress and the like creeps up on you and like a frog in a boiling pot you really don't see it in yourself until you are already at breaking point - so if you see it in others you work alongside, start preparing an exit plan just in case and listen to those who know you outside of work - they will see it first.  And look out for those you work with as well

I will start by saying I am in no way suicidal, but I agree with the stress thing and I have noticed it in myself a lot in the past 6 months.  Work stress and deadlines combined with what I see as a lack of leadership at work and a terminally ill mother have all meant that life is a lot harder than I feel like it should be.  

I have lost a lot of motivation for parts of life.  I no longer spring out of bed to go training, my work output is not what it should be, and at times I have found myself mid-conversation and realized I am not even listening to what is being said, that never used to happen to me!

Luckily for me I have my kids that are the shining light of everything and the hug I get before I leave for work and the moment I walk through the door make everything a lot better.  My wife is also there to support me, and our communication about this sort of thing is getting better all the time.  Given we have been married 9 years I am proud of that.

All of that said, I can understand how stress and depression can take hold, if I did not have those shining lights I might be head down that path!

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